Between a 3 and a 7...

A note from Holly:

There’s a long list of reasons as to why I’m single. Long. Seriously, people. I’m aware of it and heaven knows that I’ve got exs that can attest to it. I’m not apologizing for anything on the list– I’m simply acknowledging it’s existence.

One of the many things on that list would be my extreme range of emotions. I basically follow Kristen Bell’s explanation that if I’m not between a 3 and a 7 on the emotional scale, I’m crying. I mean, lots of you can attest to this and God bless each of you for dealing with me crying while angry, tired, hungry, happy or sad. It’s just my default emotion. In addition to crying, I also tend to have pretty intense “flight or fight” types of reactions to situations. As in, I don’t want to sit there and consider ideal strategies, I WANT TO AVOID THE CRISIS ALL TOGETHER. LET’S GO PEOPLE! One might say this is ideal, given my current employment but, this also means that there are moments, when confronted with unfamiliar terrain, that I cease all logical function and do things like shriek, drop my phone, run into my bathroom and lock the door.

Yeah. So. That’s exactly what I did when I got my first Hinge match. 

After days and days of swiping left or right, I finally got a match…And I freaked out! A match! What does this mean?! Now he’s a real person! He’s a real person and I can message him directly! He now has a last name and everything! My dad would hate him. I can tell! I can just feel it! This isn’t going to work. Not going to work…

I’m 90% confident that I would have remained locked in my own bathroom to avoid my dating app if I hadn’t need to discuss this with Heather who was, unfortunately, only reachable via the phone containing said dating app. So, I marched out of the bathroom, defiantly closed Hinge and texted my dilemma to Heather…who was entirely and wholly unsympathetic and unnerved by my plight. Who’s shocked? No one. And in case you're wondering, my one match has yet to message me.

Le sigh.

So speaking of Hinge, I thought I’d share a few observations about my time there thus far and also give a little insight on my self-imposed “rules.” As I’ve explained previously, Hinge connects you with Facebook friends of Facebook friends (and, as I learned this week, apparently your friends as well – this is another story for another time). Brilliantly, Hinge imports all of your pictures/details from Facebook so you don’t have to go through and try to find pictures where you don’t look fat/ugly/crazy as anything you deemed appropriate for a Facebook profile pic makes the cut (don’t panic, you can delete some if you do find yourself looking fat/ugly/crazy). Then, rather than go through the hellish process that Heather outlined previously of describing yourself/what you’re looking for, Hinge just has a few “tags” that you can select. These pictures don’t show all the tags but they do show all the ones I chose (full disclosure – I thought I should be as accurate as possible. I am, in fact, a boring bookworm and I revel in my goody two shoeness. There is no fun to be had here, boys. No fun at all. Keep a movin’! Keep a movin’!) As you can see, there are some pretty comical ones which I appreciate and I feel lightens up the whole situation (conflicted omnivore is my favorite).

Now, in addition to tags, you are also asked your religion. This has been a deal-breaker for me. If a boy can go through the process of selecting tags, but does not select his religion, he’s done. (Seriously?! Jesus died for you and you can’t check a box?!) Well, there’s the next point, if he’s not a Christian, he’s also getting the axe. It’s not because I think that someone from another religion is doomed to hell or an awful person or unworthy of my time. It is because I feel unwaveringly strong about my own Christianity, I firmly believe any male worth marrying should take on the role of spiritual leader and I am 100% confident that any baby that comes outta this body will be marched to church at least once a week ssssssooooo…you see the lack of difficulty I have in weeding out these candidates, right? Sorry I’m not sorry.

Hinge also gives you the opportunity to write a tagline. Some people use this for quotes, for a brief synopsis of what they’re looking for/not looking for, for song lyrics, etc. I do not have a tagline as I have yet to come up with something that I believe to adequately depict the fact that I’m dating for a year and blogging about it so…with that I mind, I’ve provided a few samples of some of the more precious taglines I’ve run across. Seriously, how adorable/quick-witted/comical are these?

But then things can get a little weird...as in, I actually don't understand what you're saying:

Seriously. I'm not following.

And then we have a few that just make me wonder if they understand the purpose of the tagline. I mean, while some of these my be valid points/questions, I wonder why we're sharing them here....

I don't think it says good things, Clifford. Not good things at all.

And Ryan gets extra points for not only having a self-proclaimed "dope" life but also for being Jewish AND Agnostic. I feel like you have so much to figure out about your own life, little wittle baby bird. Hang in there! It's big and scary but you'll figure it out!

There are also a few that are a just smidge on the creepy side...

 As in...the Craigslist killer or....?

 

Thanks for the heads up, Chase!

 

I mean, really Kev-Ann, kudos to you. Job security is hard to come by these days and it seems that you have beaten the system! Well done!

And finally, there’s this guy. We have the same onesie. I feel like there is no way to accurately describe the moment that you realize you could someday send Christmas cards to all your friends of you…and your husband…in matching giraffe onesies. #twinsies

In other news and continuing with the spirit of this blog (i.e., my crazy emotions), I spoke with my friend Bianca shortly after my first Hinge match (yes, the drop the phone and run into the bathroom match). While I’ve known for years that Bianca has a Pinterest board for my wedding (she vocalizes this often), I had never actually seen said board. So Bianca sent it to me. And I cried. I cried because she knows me SO well. Seriously. Everything on that board is perfection. She even included a flower wreath for Boston! And we all know that my fur baby will be a prominent feature of any shindig I’m hosting!

I also cried because she named the board “Someday your prince will come” and well, how on earth can you not cry about that?!

A note from Heather:

Okay, so, we've established that Holly cries when she enters the emotional range outside of a 3-7. I, however, don't operate on the same scale. I'm usually pretty chill and cool in the emotional range of 1.5-9.5. However, Heather at a 1 becomes Irate Heather. This can be triggered by just a few things , but, here's an example of the latest....

Holly's mention of snooping through my e-mails has indicated that I'm receiving communication from guys on Match.com, which I've confirmed. I've also confirmed that it's been mainly fruitless thus far. However, I can handle fruitless. I can handle duds. I can handle creepy and skeezy dudes. There isn't much that you can throw at me that I haven't seen or heard before. However, I was NOT prepared for this one. I've included the screen shots below for you to follow our somewhat-of-a-conversation.

Note: Here's where Heather becomes a 1 on her emotional scale and enters a stage of irateness.) (Note 2: Is irateness a word?) (Note 3: Nope... apparently irateness is not a word. Whatever. I'm leaving it because I can.)

I'm not going to go into much detail or processing on that because I think my response is self explanatory. However, I will say that I was really rattled by the whole ordeal. I don't really know why; perhaps because this is the first time in my life where someone has said "....you're going straight to HELL" to me. While I know I'm not going to hell, and my salvation has nothing to do with my dear friend, Lamont, it's still rattled me in the sense that I know rejection (even perceived) can bring out the worst in people and I need to tread carefully...

Also...do I get bonus frog hunting points for using hearts to cover up his face?

Hugs and frogs,

Holly & Heather



I digress. And vicodin.

A note from Heather:

As we've started this journey, I've become more self-aware in the absurdity of the online dating process. But, so far, the things that have provided me with the most thought-provoking, soul-searching, and scrutinizing moments have not come from conversations with potential dates, but, alas, from the tediousness of creating my online dating profile. Maybe I read wayyyy too much into it (me? never...) or maybe I'm justified in my spastic tendencies. Either way, HOW DO PEOPLE NOT HAVE BREAKDOWNS ABOUT THIS STUFF?! Online dating sites should hire professionals to help you write your summaries. Anyone want to invest in this business venture with me? You can hire people to help you write your professional resume, so why not your personal/dating resume? Am I right, or am I right? I digress.

How in the flipping world am I supposed to summarize myself in a semi-concise paragraph? Even more, how do I make that semi-concise paragraph truthful AND intriguing? It's challenging to dissect yourself and decide what parts of you deserve making it into that summary. It has to attract the person you're looking for, be accurate, and weed out the time-wasters. Time-wasters. I think that's what I should call ex-boyfriends from here on out. I digress again...

Do I talk about my job and why I love it? No, that seems too "bleeding heart". Do I talk about the fact that I bought a house with my best friend and adopted a dog with her? Errrr.... let's skip that. What about that I'm not going to party with you or sleep with you? Errr......Maybe I should say something about doing extensive creeping (you would be amazed at what I can find out about people...) and that I would probably be able to list the names of your parents, siblings, and previous relationships before even meeting someone? Well, Heather, might want to leave that one out, too. How about mentioning that there's a chance anyone who messages me will end up in a public blog? Yeahh...you should probably skip that also. Should I say that I love working out and adhere to a paleo diet? Well, now that's just lying... Saying "I work M-F and then go home... And I eat.... and then get tired.... and go to sleep.... and I like things..like dogs...and Kevin Durant..." doesn't really read "HEY! Date ME!" or attract guys with substance.

So, after I clearly spent an embarrassing amount of time trying to create my online profile and deciding less is more, I purchased a 6 month subscription to match.com. Given the conversations from my first week, I can't decide if that was a mistake or a MAJOR mistake. Time will tell.

However, something I can already tell is that most of these guys are dumb and it doesn't actually matter what I write in my profile. I won't apologize for that sweeping generalization until I'm proven otherwise.
Here's Exhibit A:

My tag line on my profile is "I like my dog more than most people..." I can only assume that his message is MEANT to say "We can have kids and change that" in reply to my tag line. However, though his text was garbled, what I read it as was "Hi. I'm drunk and you're a female, so, I think that makes us a match. Do you like my bathroom selfie?" No, sir, I don't like your bathroom selfie. Next, please.

In other news, I had round 1 of a root canal this week. Because of said root canal, I was prescribed Vicodin. You know what Vicodin-induced Heather does on match.com? She gets ballsy. She winks at attractive, Christian boys who seem to have substance. You know what happens next? Sober, non-Vicodin Heather gets back on match.com to see that a few wink-receiving boys had viewed her profile and only one had responded to her "wink". Thank God I had more Vicodin after that. Kidding. Kind of. Not really.

A note from Holly:

Well, my eyes are still watering from laughing through Heather's post. I think she basically summed it up. I can confirm through her e-mails, which I un-accidentally read again, that Heather has indeed found some "interesting" guys. I, myself, am continuing to "Hinge", but no conversations yet. I will continue to keep you updated on the success, or lack thereof, in my attempt to date via a mobile application.

Hugs and frogs,
Holly & Heather

Pre-Gaming

A note from Holly:

I’ve never been a pre-gamer. This is primarily due to the fact that I don’t “game,” hence making my interest in pre-gaming for a fictional event unrealistic. This characteristic has provided zero implications for me in the past. However, it is currently on my radar as I have now managed to set up a date and then have it cancelled due to the fact that we were not “both investing equally.” Pre-date, folks. Not investing equally pre-date. 

So…that’s interesting. 

The full story is that I received said text message while teaching my college class. As a horrible example to my students, I had failed to put my own phone on silent. As I reached for my phone to mute the sucker, I managed to read the message on the front screen and then do that awkward laugh/snort thing where you sound like a pig and probably spit on objects near you. Yeah. Because guys, that happened a whopping 24 hours after I announced my year of dating. I am KILLING this whole dating thing. #nailedit

Moving on.

In other news, I’d like to take a moment to reflect on what the announcement of the “frog blog” (which is what many of you have lovingly dubbed it) and the transpiring events have looked like for Heth and I:

1. Heather had interest. I’m talking exs/ex interests/current interests/boys that know or knew her at any point in her life texting her/messaging her like crazy. While not necessarily volunteering themselves, they wanted more information and were happy to provide insight into the process. I point this out because this was not the occurrence for me. As a matter of fact, I didn’t even have a single ex relationship member “like” my Facebook post…96 likes and an ex ain’t one. Seriously. I feel like this means something…

2. You all were awesome! You took my desire to be set up by people you would recommend seriously and I’M SO EXCITED. I LOVED getting messages from you all with boys you think might be a good match. I have such good wing women (again, an overwhelming absence of boys here…)! Furthermore, your general comments/show of support were so very meaningful to Heather and me!

3. I sincerely apologize for the disappointment that this was not an announcement of a blog dedicated to the ins and outs of frog ensnarement. However, should you all know a man who wants to take me on a frog hunting date, I am willing to go, but I make no promise surrounding my skills as a frog hunter or the success of that relationship.

4. Upon the recommendation of a former grad school friend, I have now joined Hinge. It’s sort of like Tinder…only provides the screening capabilities of only sending you potential matches who are second of third degree connections of your existing Facebook friends. This is my kind of minimal risk solution! More to come on the success of said Hinge…although I do take great joy in saying “I’m hinging.” Like, how cool does that sound?

5. Speaking of online dating, I may or may not be guilty of reading my sister’s e-mails this morning. I mean, here’s the thing: I have to use her e-mail/password to get into the backside of our blog so, it’s an innocent mistake, after logging into blogspot, for her e-mail to show up when I go to gmail. 

Disclaimer: We have different colored/different themed inboxes and are therefore not easily confused.

Confession: I knew exactly whose inbox I was in when gmail loaded.

So I noticed that she had all these messages! All these unread messages! All these unread messages with subject lines like “hey gorgeous!” So then, really, upon discovering her blatant need for assistance in reading through these unread, flattering e-mails, what kind of sister would I be if I didn’t help her out?! 

Whoopsies.

I did tell her. I mean, I confessed right after I did it. I texted her PRONTO. I wouldn’t want her to miss out on Fredrico…he is 30 and has only one picture and is holding a weapon in said one picture. No sir. I don’t want her to miss out on that!

A note from Heather:

Don't let Holly's impression of my inbox lead you to believe that my life is now bombarded with potential suitors. On the contrary, my life is now bombarded with individuals who have a delightful criminal history, an IQ comparable to our current outside temperature, and are probably the type of men who would catcall a girl on the street. I'm not saying that I'm better than these individuals, I'm just saying they're not right for me. And readers, don't get pissy with me about judging people because isn't dating the process where you discover the details/person that's right for you?

There have been a few nice guys and I'll keep you posted on how this unfolds...

Hugs and frogs,

Holly and Heather