"Can I get a pic?"

Hi, friends and strangers. Heather here.

I have some general rules when it comes to this online dating gig. I've adopted these general rules to a) keep myself objective and level-headed and b) save myself the time of pointless, directionless conversations and first-dates-from-hell. I recognize that these are a little judgey, but I yam what I yam. (......................Why hasn't anyone put that quote on a t-shirt for me yet?)

1) A blank "about me" section is an automatic "no". The naysayers reading this just said "But, Heather! What if he hasn't completed his profile yet?" Meh. Maybe..maybe, that's the case. The much more likely case, though, is that he's not bought into the dating scene or has nothing interesting to offer. Unless I can read an about-me section that indicates otherwise, my past experiences lead me to believe that most of the guys behind these profiles have the personality of a muppet (minus the endearing humor). So..I'll stick with my snap judgments and consider a blank profile a no-go.

2) Racial jokes in his profile are an automatic no. Unfortunately, they're more common than you'd imagine. I've seen not one, not two, not three, BUT FOUR Caucasian guys with the quote "I'm here because I got kicked off blackpeoplemeet.com" on their profile. That's fifty-shades-of-not-funny-to-me....and also clearly unoriginal. No. Bye.

3) Never, under any circumstance, swipe right on a guy who has more selfies than non-selfies in his profile. There isn't room for two queens in this relationship. (Apparently, there isn't really room for this queen in any relationship...so.......#singleforlife.)

3.5) Because this is similar to the aforementioned rule, I'm going to lump it into the same number. You'd be amazed by how many shirtless selfies and shirtless posed photos guys put up. I understand the intention is to insinuate "Oh, hey, ladies. Look at my body. I have an almost-6-pack in this photo that's clearly outdated because I'm wearing a puca shell necklace. So, you should let me buy you coffee." However, it has the opposite effect on me (and many other girls, I imagine..). So. Shirtless photos are a no.

4) If a guy mentions "volunteering" but doesn't say where-he's probably full of it. However, if he volunteers with kids or animals, then I'm a total sucker and I'm falling for whatever self-serving game he's playing by exploiting his volunteer experience.

5) Here's another NO: Their "about me" section only includes their favorite sports teams. You took the time to fill out your about me section, and even took the time to maybe add a mascot emoji (I see you, cute little tiger-face-emoji for the Mizzou Tiger fans...). BUT-you can't take the time to say anything about yourself? The most important, noteworthy, or appealing things about yourself are that you like the Cardinals and the Blues? Congratulations! You just joined the ranks of EVERY.OTHER.GUY.ON.EVERY.DATING.APP.IN.SAINT.LOUIS.EVER.

5.5) This is similar to #5. Profiles that say "like to have fun" or "fun-loving". Come on...shouldn't that be assumed about 98% of us? You might as well say "I breathe air and eat food." If I had a nickel for every profile that said "I like to have fun and love the Cardinals," I'd be rich enough to pay for a mail-order husband.

6) If you've talked to a guy for a day...or two..or three and he says something along the lines of "Can I get a pic?"or "Send me a selfie." The reply is "No. You're weird. Stop." Usually, the guy tries to back track out of the question...Of course, 99.7% of the time, he's hoping that you'll respond with some sexy little picture of yourself. But no. Just no.
Tonight, I was actually in the process of making plans to meet a new guy. Then, this guy asked for a pic and backtracked when I told him "No. Gross. #redflag". He backtracked by telling me he's been catfished and wanted to make sure I was actually a real person. Aaaaand now I'm not responding and probably never will again. Too weird. No. This guy was actually a physician and lives in my neighborhood. He also had texted me tonight because he thought he saw me while walking my dog. So, we confirmed he saw me in the neighborhood but then tried to tell me he needed a pic to confirm that I was the person I said I was in my profile? You'd think a physician could come up with a more sound-proof lie.
Note: For those of you who don't know what being catfished is, it's when someone leads you on by using someone else's pictures on their profile and stringing you along...so..you would think you're talking to the 2014 Miss Arkansas and then later find out you're talking to Honey Boo Boo's mom (God love her.).

7) Profiles with a bully breed dog trump all of the above rules and are an automatic swipe right. If appropriate, I start a conversation by smoothly saying, "I ONLY SWIPED RIGHT BECAUSE OF YOUR DOG. CAN I HAVE HIM/HER?" Works like a charm..Man, I know how to make a guy feel wanted. AmIright, or AmIright?

Hi all, Holly here.

This cracked me up. Mainly because I agree with 90% of what Heth says and also because my own "system" was recently criticized. Since Heather has layed hers out here, I'll add a few of my own:

1. If you don't have your religion listed, it's a no. Here's the deal, I know that some dating sites don't offer this feature but of the ones that do, I expect you to give a shout out to the man upstairs. You know, the one who saved your soul? I hear all the time "What if he doesn't want to come across as judgemental? What if he just wants to share that on a personal level? What if he's non-denominational?" All swell points...except for the fact that I don't assume anyone who claims their religion to be judgemental (sorry you do!). I'm only sharing anything on a personal level with someone who has no problems telling strangers that he's a fan of God, and I'm non-denominational too...and still can check off that box like it doesn't hurt my fingers. THAT is actually what we can discuss on a personal level. I've said it before, I'll say it again, if he can't check a box for Jesus, he's not my man.

2. Speaking of the man upstairs, for all that is good and righteous, do NOT, I repeat DO NOT, post pictures of you and reptiles. Seriously. A photo of anyone holding a boa constrictor does nothing but trigger my gag reflex. I can't. I just can't. And after I see one of you suckers with a profile picture of you and a snake, I'm swiping SO SLOWLY after that. I want to see the snake coming. No hasty swiping right or left here. If you go too fast then BAM! It's a snake! And I'm vomiting! And wondering for the 78,591,048th time why I'm doing this. 

3. Don't make every picture of you a group picture. I appreciate you demonstrating that you have friends and that you venture outside in herds. In fact, this is a solid vetting measure which makes me more interested in you than your pal with 12 selfies (all taken from his laptop in a dimly lit room one assumes to be his mother's basement). However, by only showing me group pictures, I will ultimately find one of the gentleman immensely attractive. Then after spending time comparing all the pictures, it's never you, sugar. Show me a picture of your face upfront so I know what we're dealing with. I do the same for you!

4. This. Just don't.

 

Hugs and Frogs,

Heather and Holly

A year is a year.

Holly here.

Yup folks, we made it. Heth and I succeeded in dating and blogging about it for one. full. year.

Words cannot describe the adventure that this has been.

I've been on two dates (I know, I know! You all only heard about one!), I went speed dating, I auditioned for the Bachelor with Heth, and I joined Christian Mingle, Hinge, Bumble, Mouse Mingle, and Happn (I know, you don't know about this one either). I swiped right so many times that my thumb muscles are now hulk-sized and I have endured countless chats that led to nothing.

That part is easy to explain. It's simply a summation of events. What becomes difficult to describe is the emotional roller coaster that has been this past year. To say I have laughed and cried is an understatement. Rather, I have snorted out noises I never previously thought possible, I have locked myself in bathrooms to call my sister, I have endured heart wrenching conversations about all the events that led me here and I have experienced frustration at a level I never knew could exist.

I've pushed myself. You all have pushed me. I've grown. And I'm ultimately grateful.

In honor of the fulfillment of one year commitment, I looked back at our very first blog post. While I find it validating that I still think Heather and I are funny, the following quote also struck me:

"Sometimes I think I have an answer to that. I think that it should change so that you move to another phase, you marry someone that you love so much it hurts. He is your better half and he cares for you and supports you and you do the same. Someday you have his babies and you make them cupcakes and you teach them how to do cartwheels and you take them to t-ball and it’s all you ever wanted. How magical would that be?

But then, I come to the CONCRETE assurance that I do not, in fact, want that. I enjoy sleeping in on the weekends. I relish my independence – I don’t have to answer to anyone at any time for anything. My money is my own. My time is my own. I don’t shave my legs unless I want to, I eat Nutella for dinner more times than I care to admit and morning breath is never a problem. See how much better that sounds? Why change that?!"

And the more I think about it, the more I must acknowledge that for a very few and quickly fleeting moments, I did, 100% want babies and cupcakes and t-ball. 

Don't get me wrong, I'm not convinced that I'll wind up with someone and I certainly don't feel that my life is currently missing anything. However, for the first time in a long time, I wanted it. I do not know whether that's a wall coming down or a new one going up, but it seemed important enough to explore.

As such, I would like to announce that I'm in for another year. 

_____________________________________________________________________

Hi, friends. Heather here.

While on my drive home from work, I returned a phone call to Holly.
Holly: "Kid, we need to talk about the blog."
Heather: "Mmmmmkk............*a moment passes while I realize what today is and what Holly probably wants to discuss* Uggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh......."
...............
Holly: "Okay, so I'm saying I'm in. Are you in?"
Heather: "In for what?"
Holly: "The blog! Another year of this!!"
Heather: "Um..well..I can't do another year of this. I can't do the spreading-myself-around-over-multiple-dating-sites-and-all-that-exhaustion. I can do another year of the blog, but no..can't do it as hard-hitting as I have...I cancelled match...."
Holly: "Uhh..yeah..match.com sounded horrible."

So, that's where I am.

In summation of the past year, I had a couple of short-lived relationships, approximately 15 dates with half a dozen guys, two situations where I pondered if I needed to go to the police, and a handful of regrets. I can't imagine the number of pointless conversations I've had, but I'd estimate that to be around 100. Yes...100. I'd probably estimate around 200 inappropriate and/or unreciprocated messages that I received. Yes...200. I've tried to be open to the process, but have also tried to stick with what I want. That's proven to be both guilt ridden ("Who am I to not give this person a shot? What if my standards are asking too much? What if the reason I think we're incompatible isn't accurate?") and confusing ("WHAT THE HECK AM I DOING?! I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHO I AMMMMMMMMMMM!").

So, we'll see what happens next. I'm going to have to calm it down a bit, but I'll at least be honest about what's happening (or isn't happening). I recognize I didn't explore several avenues of dating (Speed dating? The Oh-So-Legit Bar Scene? Eharmony? Christian Mingle? Posting my face on a billboard?). So, I'll consider other avenues.

Hugs and frogs,
Holly and Heather


 

Mouse Mingle and Valentine's Day

Holly here:

For those of you who don’t know, Heather and I recently took a trip to California. This was an important trip for me.

It was important because it solidified what I think I’ve probably known for years: Heather is my soulmate. 

Here’s the deal. Of course Heather and I fight. There are times we want to kill each other. Once, when I was a sophomore in high school, we even got into a physical fight. (It ended with me pinned to the ground and Heather inches from my face saying “What are you going to do now?! I HATED her in that moment.)

But the other side of that is the fact that Heather knows my crazy. She gets it. She sees it coming and she talks me through it. There have been times when I’ve called Heather crying so hard that I wasn’t even making words. She can figure out what is wrong and she can give advice. Sometimes I disagree with that advice but I am always grateful for it.

There are also times when Heather and I don’t need words to communicate. I’m sure you also have friends or family members with whom you share this bond but I can read the looks on Heather’s face as if she was writing a novel on her forehead. Historically, this has worked out well for me as it minimized the times I wound up pinned to the floor, but it also comes in handy when we’re in group settings and need back-up from one another. In addition to sensing emotions, Heather and I also recently discovered that we can cook an entire meal (bacon, eggs, English muffins, fruit, and coffee), set the table, and sit down to eat without even speaking to one another.

This all seems like ample advice to support my claim that Heather is my soulmate but our trip to Disneyland was really what sealed the deal. It’s no secret that Disney was, and will always be, a special part of my identity. Heather and I didn’t grow up going to the parks and both Heather and I only actually visited a park after I started working there. This is worth noting because every single bit of VIP information I received, I wound up excitedly passing to Heather. The end result is that Heather has essentially become a cast member by default. She knows where cast member entrance and exit points are, she knows where the best seats are for all the shows, she knows how to interact with all the characters and she knows which rides require a fast pass and which rides merit a “walk-on” commitment. 

Our Disney bond has never been more evident however, than when we recently visited Disneyland. Disneyland is not my home and therefore, I was going in as blindly as Heather. Sure, we had done some “mom blog” research and had already downloaded the Disneyland app but we were both walking into that magical land on unfamiliar ground. Heather and I were accustomed to well-rehearsed systems at Disney World (i.e., we walk in, Heather goes straight for cinnamon rolls and breakfast, I go straight for fast passes) but at Disneyland, we weren’t quite sure what our game plan should be. Let there be no confusion. We had a game plan. We went through it multiple times in the car on the way up….this one just wasn’t tried and true.

Our plans quickly got off to a rocky start due to the non-existence of fast passes for the Matterhorn Bobsleds. Sure, the app said they didn’t have them and this was ultimately a rookie mistake but all the same, our plan backfired first thing in the morning. The truly magical thing about all this is that I was getting breakfast for us all when Heather discovered we would not be cutting any lines for the bobsleds. Rather than call to ask what she should do or simply return empty handed, Heather went to get fast passes for Hyperspace Mountain….and then, miracle of miracles, when she looked at the time to see when we could get our next fast passes, Heather noticed that there was only a ten minute gap. So she took off to other side of the park to get fast passes for Big Thunder Mountain. When Heather returned, she discussed what had happened and suggested we walk to the bobsleds so we could wait in line while we were finishing our breakfast and then head to our first fast pass time. I stared at her in complete awe and wonder. Her actions were, in every detail, exactly what I would have done. 

Waiting in line for those Matterhorn Bobsleds!

So here’s the thing, I regularly think about how great it would be to someday take my kids to Disney. Sometimes I even get sad that I’m no longer able to make magic for any kids I know and I would love nothing more than to experience all my favorite things with a three-year-old. Where this story is going to take an unexpected turn is that I usually don’t think about taking my husband and 2.5 children. I think about taking my sister and 2.5 children. I truly doubt that any future husband would be able to anticipate my Disney expectations at the rate and caliber at which Heather does!

All that said, when Mouse Mingle became a thing, six of you reached out to me. Six of you. (and two people reached out to Heather to forward on to Holly....)

In case you missed it, Mouse Mingle is a dating site for Disney lovers. Given that I fall into that category, I absolutely understand why this seemed to make sense. Heck, I was even excited when I started reading about it!

And then I joined the site…and the excitement faded with the realization that cast members excluded, I think it takes an…ahem…interesting type of man to join a Disney dating site. To kill the magic for a moment, there are some straight up weird guys on there. Weird guys posing with pictures of my friends and no smiles and it makes me wonder why dating sites don’t offer background checks. Yes. Let’s do that. I want a background check for every one of them!

I’m sure there are some nice guys on here, so please don’t take this as applicable to all of them…but there are certainly a fair amount of “winks” that have made me feel like I should maybe call the police. 

In a nutshell, I’ve decided that it’s okay if my husband doesn’t love Disney as much as me. I fully expect him to know the favorite characters of any movie our children like and I want him to take me to see fireworks on a regular basis…but if he doesn’t download the app, feel compelled to take pictures alone with princesses, or know when the Indiana Jones show starts, we will still be jjjjjjjuuuuuuuuuusssssttttt fine.

Heck, if the magic is just too much for him, he can always just leave me and our kids with my sister.

So I’d like to wish a very happy Valentine’s to my soulmate, Disney and otherwise. Happy Valentine’s day,  kid!

A note from Heather:

Few will understand the magnitude of Holly's compliment when she says I make her proud with my Disney-techniques. She's hard core with Disney and she considers most people to be dead-weight on her Disney excursions. We've now made enough trips together that we run like a well-oiled machine.....a thrill-ride-and-cartoon-character-seeking machine.

Valentine's Day brings out the best and the worst in people. I guess holidays in general do, but especially Valentine's Day. There's a lot of pressure and some people pull out the stops for their loved ones.  I really do experience happiness for some of my friends who get awesome Valentine's surprises! However, there's also a lot of pressure as a single person....There's the unsaid awkward moments when your coworkers receive flowers or discuss their Valentine's plans and you purposefully don't contribute to the conversation because you don't want to come across as bitter or make them uncomfortable. There's the knock on your door when you think for a split second "Maybe just MAYBE someone sent me something!" (which turned out to only be my neighbor warning me that my car was about to get towed). Then, a worker at Trader Joe's gives you a single rose and you think "It's THAT obvious that I'm single? It's THAT apparent?". There are the multiple engagements on Facebook......and the "memories" on Facebook that take you back to this day in previous years and remind you of the Valentine's Days where you weren't alone.

But you know what? There's also moments where I remember that I am ROCKING life and I'm doing it alone. I have amazing friends, empowering independence, and truly feel like I make a difference every day. The independence I have now is something that a lot of women never experience, and I think it's pretty magical.

I know some of my friends pity me and think I should be taking their dating advice. They believe if they took the driver's seat in my dating life, then they could cure me of the debilitating disease of single-ness (*eye roll*). However, I'm no longer agreeing with their view on my relationship status. Being single isn't worth less than being married. It's a different life, but my unconventional circumstances aren't worth less than the circumstances in a traditional family. My life and my contributions are powerful and valuable, and the experiences I've gained as a single woman are incredible. I'm not considering my life now to be a season of waiting for marriage. I'm not waiting to start my life with The One; I already started my life and it's awesome.

I guess it seems like I'm writing to myself here, but I'm also writing this as an encouragement to others. Your relationship status isn't something to be cured or fixed, because you, darling, are a marvelous creature who is totally owning the single-hood life. You're like a freaking unicorn, my fellow-single-Valentines, and I hope you all enjoy it!

Hugs and frogs,
Holly and Heather

The Guilt Tripper and The Resurgent

Heather here.

The Guilt Tripper sounds like the name of a new Will Ferrell movie…The Resurgent sounds like a Nicholas Cage movie. I just googled both of those to see if they were already movie titles and thus, unable to be used as nicknames here. They’re not! How about that…...I’m writing this to get Holly off my back (I bet her $10 that I would write something by tonight….) and because I recognize we’ve been quiet.

I should start off by saying the Guilt Tripper isn’t being called that because he purposely tried to make me feel guilty, but, it happened nonetheless. Let me explain.

I met the Guilt Tripper on Match.com. He was nice, a die-hard KU fan, and persistent. We had plans to meet for dinner on a Sunday (coincidentally the same day I planned to have brunch with another guy……scandalous, I know…). However, I got REALLY sick that Saturday night and had to cancel plans with both dates. I hated cancelling, but the chances of me keeping food down were minimal-and any chance of making a decent first impression was zonked. (Zonked: adj, exhausted; tired out). He tried to reschedule for the following weekend, but I was already booked with some dog stuff. I’m not sure if he bought my excuse, but, it was legit. So, we rescheduled for the FOLLOWING weekend for 2 pm at a coffee/brunch spot. I then had a conversation with my roommate about how weird it was to meet at 2 pm (Am I supposed to eat lunch? Not eat lunch? Coffee? Snack? What would a normal person do at 2pm meeting someone for the first time?)

The day of the confusing 2 pm date, I lounged around until it was time to hop in the shower. I checked my texts to confirm where we were meeting AND THEN OMG YOU GUYS I REALIZED I WAS ACTUALLY SUPPOSED TO BE THERE AT 1 P.M. BUT IT WAS 12:40 WHEN I LOOKED AT MY PHONE AND I HADN’T WASHED MY HAIR IN TWO DAYS OMG AND THE PANIC THAT TOOK OVER MY BODY MADE IT ALMOST IMPOSSIBLE TO EVEN TEXT THE GUY AND I SCREAMED AND RAN UPSTAIRS AND YELLED AT MY ROOMMATE ABOUT HOW STUPID I AM AND THEN SCREAMED AND SHOWERED AND DIED.

………………..I fumbled through an apologetic text about how I was going to be..ahem…an hour late.

So, at this point..I had cancelled on this guy two weeks before, had an excuse about why I couldn’t meet the following weekend, and now I’m texting him 15 minutes before I’m supposed to be there to say that I’m running an hour late.

Just call me Considerate Connie, y’all. Or Kind Kylie. Or Selfless Sally.

(You all know I’m kidding, right?)

Anyway. So Guilt Tripper agrees to meet at 2pm instead of 1 pm. I got there around 1:50 (I didn’t really think those 10 minutes would redeem my actions, but it didn’t hurt to try..).

YOU GUYS. THE DATE WAS AWFUL AND TERRIBLE.

We fumbled through the most tense, cringe-worthy, and awkward conversation I’ve probably ever had. I was incredibly apologetic (and he wasn’t super kind about it…which I get…but still..), and then  he made a semi-racist comment that I couldn’t overlook. (Is semi-racist a thing? Actually..probably not..Let me rephrase that..) He made a racist comment that I couldn’t overlook.

And then the date ended, and I got in my car. I felt guilty that I had been such a flake leading up to meeting him, but then I felt guilty for feeling guilty because this guy WAS NO GEM. I called my friend and relived the horror of these happenings. I proceeded about my day sure that I would never hear from him again, because there was NO way he could think a) that I was a decent person and b)that the date had gone well.

And then he texted that night. And the next weekend. UGH. And then I felt guilty as I reminded myself how much of a flake I had been…and was being.. but. At the end of the day, the Guilt Tripper was probably the worst date I’ve been on....Yuck.

The Resurgent is actually a previously blogged character who had..well..re-emerged into the picture. Since I already rambled about The Guilt Tripper for so long, I’ll keep this brief. The Resurgent came back into the picture, but isn’t in the picture now. He’s a rare bird (I know I’m a pot calling a kettle black on this guys, I knowwwwwwwww) and admitted that when we went out before, he had actually met another girl (who he described as a "crazy girl") around the same time and decided to continue seeing her, rather than me. He attributed this to his history of being attracted to adventure/excitement. When it didn’t work out with crazy girl and The Resurgent, he contacted me again. It’s humbling to have a guy tell you to your face that he picked a different girl over you, but it’s odd when he’s telling you in the context of almost asking for a do-over. We did see each other an additional handful of times after his resurgence.

However, for a myriad of reasons that are too lengthy for me to delve into, I decided The Resurgent and I weren’t going to hack it. And that’s the end of that. The Resurgent knows about this blog and has read it before, so, there's a good chance he'll read this, which is another reason I'm being vague.

A note from Holly:

I just want to provide a little more context to this situation as I feel that Heather was too kind. Especially regarding The Resurgent....because here's the deal...the Resurgent is a jerk. No one can disagree with me because I still have screenshots of text message exchanges between him and my baby sis and my opinion is unwavering. 

And now, Hinge taglines:

 Well done, Ben D. I see your mad Fresh Prince skills.

 

Soooo....is now a good time to tell Brad that I actually can't swim? Is skinny drowning a thing?

BRENDAN! I need someone to explain Obamacare to me too!!!

This is weird to me. It's weird, right?

 Bahahaha!

 Damien, sugar, if you're asking for IT help in your tagline, I'm going to have to rule you out as my fix-it man... 

 WHAT?! I can't even process what you're trying to say here, Jared.

 Mike. You're my man. I get you.

 Look Mitchell, history tells me that I've got a pretty bad gaydar but this seems concerning to me.

 It's funny because you must in order for you to show up on Hinge. Well played, Pat D.

Paul, I'm obviously not a pro at this whole dating thing. However, I do know one thing with absolute certainty: If you have to tell me that you're an alpha male, you're doing it wrong! Seriously! If you're an alpha male, you don't need to tell people...sorta like telling people that you're the life of the party. If you are, everyone at the party knows it and they don't need you to announce it. Also, you saying that you "work best with sweet, easy going girls" basically translates to me thinking you've got a promising future as a wife beater. Paul K. was an easy left swipe.

Hugs and Frogs,

Heather and Holly