I have some general rules when it comes to this online dating gig. I've adopted these general rules to a) keep myself objective and level-headed and b) save myself the time of pointless, directionless conversations and first-dates-from-hell. I recognize that these are a little judgey, but I yam what I yam. (......................Why hasn't anyone put that quote on a t-shirt for me yet?)
1) A blank "about me" section is an automatic "no". The naysayers reading this just said "But, Heather! What if he hasn't completed his profile yet?" Meh. Maybe..maybe, that's the case. The much more likely case, though, is that he's not bought into the dating scene or has nothing interesting to offer. Unless I can read an about-me section that indicates otherwise, my past experiences lead me to believe that most of the guys behind these profiles have the personality of a muppet (minus the endearing humor). So..I'll stick with my snap judgments and consider a blank profile a no-go.
2) Racial jokes in his profile are an automatic no. Unfortunately, they're more common than you'd imagine. I've seen not one, not two, not three, BUT FOUR Caucasian guys with the quote "I'm here because I got kicked off blackpeoplemeet.com" on their profile. That's fifty-shades-of-not-funny-to-me....and also clearly unoriginal. No. Bye.
3) Never, under any circumstance, swipe right on a guy who has more selfies than non-selfies in his profile. There isn't room for two queens in this relationship. (Apparently, there isn't really room for this queen in any relationship...so.......#singleforlife.)
3.5) Because this is similar to the aforementioned rule, I'm going to lump it into the same number. You'd be amazed by how many shirtless selfies and shirtless posed photos guys put up. I understand the intention is to insinuate "Oh, hey, ladies. Look at my body. I have an almost-6-pack in this photo that's clearly outdated because I'm wearing a puca shell necklace. So, you should let me buy you coffee." However, it has the opposite effect on me (and many other girls, I imagine..). So. Shirtless photos are a no.
4) If a guy mentions "volunteering" but doesn't say where-he's probably full of it. However, if he volunteers with kids or animals, then I'm a total sucker and I'm falling for whatever self-serving game he's playing by exploiting his volunteer experience.
5) Here's another NO: Their "about me" section only includes their favorite sports teams. You took the time to fill out your about me section, and even took the time to maybe add a mascot emoji (I see you, cute little tiger-face-emoji for the Mizzou Tiger fans...). BUT-you can't take the time to say anything about yourself? The most important, noteworthy, or appealing things about yourself are that you like the Cardinals and the Blues? Congratulations! You just joined the ranks of EVERY.OTHER.GUY.ON.EVERY.DATING.APP.IN.SAINT.LOUIS.EVER.
5.5) This is similar to #5. Profiles that say "like to have fun" or "fun-loving". Come on...shouldn't that be assumed about 98% of us? You might as well say "I breathe air and eat food." If I had a nickel for every profile that said "I like to have fun and love the Cardinals," I'd be rich enough to pay for a mail-order husband.
6) If you've talked to a guy for a day...or two..or three and he says something along the lines of "Can I get a pic?"or "Send me a selfie." The reply is "No. You're weird. Stop." Usually, the guy tries to back track out of the question...Of course, 99.7% of the time, he's hoping that you'll respond with some sexy little picture of yourself. But no. Just no.
Tonight, I was actually in the process of making plans to meet a new guy. Then, this guy asked for a pic and backtracked when I told him "No. Gross. #redflag". He backtracked by telling me he's been catfished and wanted to make sure I was actually a real person. Aaaaand now I'm not responding and probably never will again. Too weird. No. This guy was actually a physician and lives in my neighborhood. He also had texted me tonight because he thought he saw me while walking my dog. So, we confirmed he saw me in the neighborhood but then tried to tell me he needed a pic to confirm that I was the person I said I was in my profile? You'd think a physician could come up with a more sound-proof lie.
Note: For those of you who don't know what being catfished is, it's when someone leads you on by using someone else's pictures on their profile and stringing you along...so..you would think you're talking to the 2014 Miss Arkansas and then later find out you're talking to Honey Boo Boo's mom (God love her.).
7) Profiles with a bully breed dog trump all of the above rules and are an automatic swipe right. If appropriate, I start a conversation by smoothly saying, "I ONLY SWIPED RIGHT BECAUSE OF YOUR DOG. CAN I HAVE HIM/HER?" Works like a charm..Man, I know how to make a guy feel wanted. AmIright, or AmIright?
Hi all, Holly here.
This cracked me up. Mainly because I agree with 90% of what Heth says and also because my own "system" was recently criticized. Since Heather has layed hers out here, I'll add a few of my own:
1. If you don't have your religion listed, it's a no. Here's the deal, I know that some dating sites don't offer this feature but of the ones that do, I expect you to give a shout out to the man upstairs. You know, the one who saved your soul? I hear all the time "What if he doesn't want to come across as judgemental? What if he just wants to share that on a personal level? What if he's non-denominational?" All swell points...except for the fact that I don't assume anyone who claims their religion to be judgemental (sorry you do!). I'm only sharing anything on a personal level with someone who has no problems telling strangers that he's a fan of God, and I'm non-denominational too...and still can check off that box like it doesn't hurt my fingers. THAT is actually what we can discuss on a personal level. I've said it before, I'll say it again, if he can't check a box for Jesus, he's not my man.
2. Speaking of the man upstairs, for all that is good and righteous, do NOT, I repeat DO NOT, post pictures of you and reptiles. Seriously. A photo of anyone holding a boa constrictor does nothing but trigger my gag reflex. I can't. I just can't. And after I see one of you suckers with a profile picture of you and a snake, I'm swiping SO SLOWLY after that. I want to see the snake coming. No hasty swiping right or left here. If you go too fast then BAM! It's a snake! And I'm vomiting! And wondering for the 78,591,048th time why I'm doing this.
3. Don't make every picture of you a group picture. I appreciate you demonstrating that you have friends and that you venture outside in herds. In fact, this is a solid vetting measure which makes me more interested in you than your pal with 12 selfies (all taken from his laptop in a dimly lit room one assumes to be his mother's basement). However, by only showing me group pictures, I will ultimately find one of the gentleman immensely attractive. Then after spending time comparing all the pictures, it's never you, sugar. Show me a picture of your face upfront so I know what we're dealing with. I do the same for you!
4. This. Just don't.
Hugs and Frogs,
Heather and Holly
