Squints and Muscles

Hi everyone...Heather here.

I don't know how to make these updates cohesive or wrap this all up with a nice theme, so, I'm not going to. I would rather spend my energy on doing things that matter, like googling images of puppy and duck friendships or pretending that I'm a chef by cooking food sent to me by Hello Fresh. BTW-Cooking is hard and takes a long time. You know what isn't hard and doesn't take a long time? Rummaging through a box of shredded wheat and sipping a can of diet Dr. Pepper instead.

I digress.

I had another date. We'll call him Squints (In hindsight, he kinda resembled Squints from The Sandlot, but I didn't realize that before...) because he wore hipster/thick-rimmed glasses. Squints is a writer for a couple of publications in STL and he wrote a book. Weird.

The date went semi-well. We chatted about a lot of things, including 10 year HS reunions and him traveling through Cambodia or Machu Picchu or something. (I might need to work on my listening skills...)

Leaving the date was awkward. It was raining, and so we basically just ran out and Squints ran with me to my car. I had an umbrella, but, I felt like a pansy using it because he didn't have an umbrella. So, I literally ran in the rain while holding my umbrella underneath my arm. Cool move, Heather. Cool move.

The typical routine when leaving a date is this awkward dance of "Oh, I had a good time!".."Oh, me too!" .."Let's do something again soon!".."Oh, sounds good!".."Oh, text me when you get home!".."Oh, okay!" (I don't know why I'm pretending that every sentence starts with "Oh"...)...
However, because it was raining, this one was a quick "K bye!" (Which, if you know me at all, you know this is muuuuuuuuuuuuuch more my style....haha).

Neither of us said anything to each other that night....I started second guessing myself and wasn't sure if I had made it clear to Squints that I would want to hear from him again.....I broke down and texted Squints the following day to thank him for my drink and for meeting me. He responded a few hours later saying I was welcome and that it was nice to meet me, too.

And that's where it has ended. I have no reason to believe I'll ever hear from Squints again, which is fine. I'll live. On the other hand, I'd also be fine hearing from him again. So, I'll just sit here and bask in my stubbornness and refusal to initiate another conversation with him.

Moving on.

I started chatting with a guy from Match who turned out to be a bigger investigative creeper than I am. Let's call him Muscles (because he has them..and because he's a fitness trainer..and because I can't think of a better nickname) When he messaged me, I took screen shots of his photos to send to a few friends because Muscles is quite a looker. We messaged back and forth on Match for a bit, then he got my number and we texted for a few days. Of course, as soon as I had his first name and phone number, I was able to do all kinds of digging around online to figure out who he was. I learned enough to decide that he was probably a pretty good guy and probably wouldn't kill me and chop me up in little bags if I agreed to meet up with him.
 
The next day, I got a FB friend request from him and I nearly fell out of my chair.....and then rolled around on the floor...and then curled up in the fetal position because someone had finally out-creeped me and I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHO I AM ANYMORE! I don't know how he found me--considering that my first name is pretty common, he didn't know my last name, and my phone number isn't linked to my FB page. I can't even be creeped out by the fact that he was doing some digging around on me, because I had done the same thing. I just wasn't brazen enough to send him a friend request.

In an ironic turn of events (where I apparently was living in an alternate universe and breaking all of my own rules), I accepted Muscle's friend request.

..............And then I came to my senses, deleted Muscles off of my Facebook, and we haven't spoken sense.

Those are my best two stories for now...I'll hand the torch over to Holly.


Holly here...I mean, I don't have much to update with...and by "much" I mean any. Still a bumbling, hinging, mingling fool with zip to show for it....except for these little gems:

Woah. Slightly threatening but I don't hate it Alex...I share the same passionate viewpoint on brunch.

 

 

I feel like you're making a) a lot of assumptions and b) a lot of judgements. Maybe you're missing out because you do?! Ever think of that, Alex?

 

Bam. A man with a plan. Thanks for skipping the awkward "Where are you from?" chats. 

Confession appreciated and I also like long walks to Chipotle. Let's get married. 

 Bryan, if you can quote Ten Things I Hate About You on your tagline, then I basically trust you with my life. #seriously #canyoueverbejustwhelmed?

 PICK ME!!!!

I ALMOST wanted to know badly enough that I swiped right with sweet Fred here...almost...and now I'll just always wonder....

 What? Is that an empirically sound statement? I want some statistics for that one, Jared. And why is this your tagline?! I should swipe right with you because no one else will?

John, based on your sentence structure, your haphazardly placed period and your incorrect use of the adverb "snarkily," I feel you may not know how to do anything with a lady.

Keith. You sound adorable. However, you should know that while there is a LONG list of things we will not tell my mother, the fact that we met on here is not high enough on our list of priorities for us to spend much time dwelling on it.

 And I love a man who loves grills and slow cookers.

 ...

 ROBIN!!! ME TOO!!!!!!!!!

 TYLER!! I must find this song and relive my 7th grade year. Right. Now. Yuuupp...going on repeat.

Well, Willy, I suppose we should all be so lucky! Congrats on clearly and specifically identifying your type!

Hugs and frogs,

Heather and Holly

Everyday I'm bumblin'....

A note from Holly:

Christian Mingle stresses me out. Like, I don't want to mess with it...I dread the e-mails and opening the app on my phone gives me the same feels I experience when going in for blood work. Both require the same prayer: Please God, don't make me do this.

I knew I didn't like it, but I hadn't really thought about why I didn't like it until a few weeks ago at a dinner with Lovie. Lovie and I work together in Gamma Phi Beta land and she has been a great asset in my dating ventures. She's good for me in that she's a little less cautious and a lot more vocal about going after what she wants. She asked about my dating escapades and I was walking her through my recent Christian Mingle commitment. I was explaining that I was feeling really overwhelmed by it and she asked to see it. I started showing her my profile and while browsing we got a notification that someone wanted to chat. We declined. I kid you not, 10 seconds later, the same guy asked again. We declined again.

This is one of a thousand reasons I don't even like opening the website/app. Before I can switch to "offline," people are already trying to "chat." I don't want to chat with you. I don't know you. If I want to chat with someone, I've got plenty of people to text. Heck, I've even got plenty of other non-friends to deal with that also offer a chat feature (Amazon owes me a rug, AT&T overcharged me, USPS lost my package, etc.) I would rather chat with any of them than feel forced to respond to a chat from someone I don't know when they have clearly creeped on my profile and I have not had a chance to do the same. Just stop it.

Additionally, Christian Mingle shows everything. If I view someone's profile, they get a notification.It's like LinkedIn but worse! If I'm on the fence about responding to someone and need to re-read their profile, I certainly don't need Christian Mingle to tell them I keep re-reading it! And my friends want to see your picture? So sorry gals, we're not going back to his site to save my life! He'll know we're looking!

Also, you can "favorite" people....and then it tells you when someone has favorited you. And guys, I kid you not, people will favorite you without messaging you, chatting with you, or even "smiling" at you. IT'S SUCH A CREEPY FEELING.

And speaking of "smiling," that's another stress all it's own. I suppose the idea is to let someone know that you would, in theory, smile at them if you saw them out and about. However, Christian Mingle forces you to add some kind of text to the smile. Therefore, these poor guys and gals are forced to select from a myriad of "smile" phrases that are awkward, abrupt, cheesy, or just weird. Here are some options I literally copied and pasted from my inbox (which was death defying because I had to go "offline" REALLY fast to avoid that stupid chatting feature):

1. "Hi! I would love to meet you. What are my chances?"
2. "I like your smile."
3. ""Strengthen me with raisins, refresh me with apples; for I am faint with love." - Song of Solomon 2:5"
4. "How YOU doin?"
5. "Are you lost? Because heaven's a long way from here."
6. ""And the Lord God said, 'It is not good for the man to be by himself. I will make one like himself as a help to him'" - Genesis 2:18. Maybe we were made for each other."
7. "I'm not very good at flirting, but can I practice with you?"

Guys, this could go for days and all of them stress. me. out. Each of them makes me feel a pressure to respond or run...some both...but I just hate feeling inundated by them. And then because I feel inundated, I don't really take the time to look at profiles to decide whether I should message back because then they'll know I looked and what if I don't want to message them back? Then they know I looked and didn't respond AND THEN SOMETIMES THEY EVEN SEND MULTIPLE SMILES. Like, if I didn't get to them in a 24 hour time span, they just keep 'em coming. Sending me seven a day doesn't increase our compatibility, friend...

Let me be clear here. I'm a) not drowning in boys who are interested in me and b) I'm not unflattered by the boys who are. That said, if this were real life, and we both weren't behind screens, I promise you that I would call the police on some of these people. Being flirty is nice. Not taking "no" for an answer makes you a bully and I can't deal with it.

It's just a lot....it's a lot for a girl who's been single a long time and it's a lot for someone who doesn't know if she wants this...As someone who really had her heart set on a fairy tale, this feels more like a frantic scramble. Remember in high school when a boy would tell his friend to tell your friend that he thought you were cute and that he wanted to take you to lunch? Yes. Let's do that again.

As I was talking this through with Lovie, she seemed to identify part of the problem. I'm not in control. When she originally suggested that struggle, I pushed back. I'm not a control freak! (Okay, maybe a little...but I'm flexible! To a degree...) But as Lovie kept talking it through, I realized how right she was. I think Christian Mingle stresses me out because I can't seem to get my head above water. Other people look at my profile, they favorite me, they fill my inbox with messages and smiles and I have absolutely no control over it. I can't make someone remove my face from their "favorites" list. I can't stop someone from viewing my profile several times a day even after I haven't responded to messages. I can't keep people from sending messages directly to my phone any time I open the app. Really, all of this works together to make me feel creeped out and EXTREMELY vulnerable. I abhor both of these sentiments.

And then Lovie suggested Bumble.

Bumble was apparently created by ex-Tinder employees to address some of their lessons learned and I must admit, I'm a fan. It works very similarly to Hinge/Tinder in that you see a few pictures with a brief little info session and then you swipe right to say "I'm interested" or left to say "Not so much." And you know what? When you swipe left, they can't message you, smile at you, favorite you or chat with you...and it's a glorious feeling.

If you like them and they like you, then you're free to chat. HOWEVER, unlike it's Hinge and Tinder counterparts, only females can initiate the conversation. The guys can see that they've matched but literally can't do anything about it until the girl decides to message.

This. Is. Brilliant. Heather talked in a previous blog about the weirdness that surrounds the question of who should talk first. Traditionalists would say that the man should make the first move with feminists arguing that they are capable of doing so and then weirdness ensues. However, there is no question with Bumble. Girls talk first. End of story. This way guys can't get upset if they feel the girl is being a little too assertive and girls can't get upset if he never messages. The rules are clearly established. I enjoy clearly established rules.

Now, I was originally a little more skeptical for two reasons:
1. These people have not been vetted through friends. There really is something comforting about Hinge in that everyone you could be matched with actually knows a really life person that you know. That's comforting and makes psychopaths seems a little less likely.
2. I lost my initial filtering choice - religion. Whereas Hinge and Christian Mingle give you the option to dive into that detail, Bumble doesn't ask about it and doesn't make it easy to find without you asking.

So while contemplating these issues, I got the most hysterical and ironic piece of humble pie I've ever received. I matched on Bumble with a boy I had already matched with on Hinge. He met all of my initial checkpoints on Hinge but had never messaged me....and now here he was on Bumble...where I had the power and approval to message him! Wahoo!

And then this happened:

And I became LIVID.

I can actually think of several of my friends who are laughing at this right now. They're laughing because FOR YEARS I have said that if a boy doesn't use proper grammar, then we aren't going to work out. I have literally de-friended people on Facebook for consistently using incorrect grammar.

Now, before some of you get defensive, I understand that this is a "me" problem. I have always enjoyed writing, I chose a career path with writing, and I also have just enough OCD to care about these types of things. However, it's a "me" problem that also pays my bills so I'll only apologize to a certain degree. That said, I absolutely understand that typos happen. They happen to everyone. However, not retaining ANYTHING from 1st through 6th grade did not happen to everyone. That's a "you" problem.

So imagine my horror and outrage when I was on the receiving end of a message from an unkind, ill-tempered, grammar elitist! I shake my twice degreed, published fist at thee, you ruling communist!

Lesson. Learned.

So the really, really, really great thing about Bumble is that you can unmatch with people so they can no longer communicate with you....or you no longer have to stare at your glaring failure of a message.

Wah. Wah.

More details later, but I'm becoming a bumbling pro. ;)

----------------------------------------------------

A note from Heather:

So, I went to Denver a few weeks ago. I'm officially Denver's number one fan.

On my way to Denver, the most wonderfully bizarre thing happened.

I was seated next to two individuals on the plane who seemed to be somewhere around my age. After making a comment to the girl next to me about her cute tote bag (y'all, it had PORCUPINES on it. I needed it...), the conversation snowballed into a 2 1/2 hour chat amongst the three of us. To make a long story short, a sweet girl (Stephanie), a sassy guy (Travis), and I spent the whole plane ride talking about our lives...our ups and downs...our relationship failures...and ultimately, we all exchanged phone numbers at the end. We chatted throughout the weekend while we were all vacationing in Denver.

And then, we all met up for dinner last week while back in St. Louis. 

Here's where this anecdote becomes applicable:
Travis wanted to look at my Tinder profile; he wanted to gauge how I had presented myself. Travis, without any inhibition, made it clear that I was doing a lousy job of presenting myself accurately. (Travis also shared that I basically made a horrible first impression on him and he thought I was a bit cold....man, if I had a dollar for every time I heard that....) Some of you have noticed that I've lost a few lbs in the past several months, and you've also noticed that I chopped off my hair. Some of my photos (in Travis's words) "weren't doing (me) justice". Travis showed me his Tinder profile, and explained his reasoning for each photo he used. ("This one shows that I can be silly..." "I'm in the center of this and look like an alpha male...")

So, that night I switched my main picture to a more recent picture.

Guys, it's like I just went from being an ogre to being Halle Berry. 

The messages increased...the matches increased...the inappropriate comments increased...

This is largely infuriating, and I can't help but feel like all of the extra attention is solely due to shallow reasons...

But, I get it. 

Welcome to the world of online dating, where a flattering photo makes the difference between finding your soul mate or not.

I can't say I'm swimming through any strong potentials here, but, there have been some promising and interesting conversations.

A prime example of the antithesis of a promising conversation occurred last night. This is when a seemingly sweet boy named Jason, who had described himself as a southern gentleman, and I were chatting. Within a few minutes, he got reallllllllllllll creepy and started talking about "coercing" me into "wearing cowboy boots for him".

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaand we're done here, Jason.

Anyway, Travis and Stephanie have so graciously offered to help me create a Christian Mingle profile. This hasn't happened yet, but, we all know I'll be blogging about it when it does..


Hugs and frogs,
Holly and Heather