I am woman. Hear me ROAR. (but not tooooo loudly?..)

A note from Heather:

How invested should a girl be in taking the initiative to meet potential dates? I've always struggled with this, but especially in the last few weeks. I'm not going to wrap this blog up with a nice bow about how I've got the answer to this internal debate. This is more of an open dialogue and encouragement to others who struggle with the same questions. I keep going back and forth about if this is even worth posting, because reading through it is even confusing to myself.

Some of you are rolling your eyes and have already replied in your head, "Seriously, Heather? Girl, it's 2015, Do whatever you want to do! Lay off the antiquated gender roles...What kind of social worker are you?!" Some of you, however, thought to yourselves "A lady should be pursued, not the pursuer. If a guy wants to get to know you, he can be a man and take the initiative." Honestly, I go back and forth between these two opinions. In any given day, I might adhere to either of those thought camps. I think there's a few reasons why this is such a convoluted mess in my mind.

1) I grew up in southern Oklahoma attending a southern Baptist church. I was taught from a very early age that men and women had different roles in families and thus, in dating too. My understanding was that girls were to be desirable (and patient) and guys were to be the pursuers. I can even remember in elementary school when one of my female peers "asked out" a boy; I was confused and didn't understand why she was putting herself out there like that. I remember thinking that "cool" girls and "desirable" girls would never have to ask a boy out. "Why would they?", I thought..."If they were worth it, a guy would always pursue them first." I think the philosophy themes from the Biblical implications of men being leaders of the families and churches, but the philosophy permeated every aspect of my life, even subconsciously. I can also distinctly remember a time in 7th grade telling myself to be quiet around my male peers as they came back from gym class with the 8th grade boys. This wasn't because I was embarrassed or lacked confidence, this was because my impression was that being demure and desirable was the way to "get asked out". Now that I think back on that; it's pretty messed up...This has created a stream of consciousness thinking that leads to the idea "If you aren't getting asked out, then you aren't desirable or worth it."

2) We've all had experiences where we've put ourselves out there and regretted it later. If you haven't had such experiences, then congratulations and I hate you. For the rest of us, it stings like a fresh sunburn to your soul. (For the record, I have no idea where that simile just came from...) If you're a guy and you've had this experience, then you're expected to chock it up as a loss, tell yourself you're better off without her, keep it moving, and try again. However, if you're a girl, and you've been burned by putting yourself out there, it becomes possible to let the idea slip into your mind of "Well, that's why I'm supposed to guard myself and not initiate dates..." Guys don't get a second glance for pursuing a girl, that's the "normal" way. Flip the script. Girls can easily be perceived as too aggressive, needy, and clingy by pursuing a date. It's a tough balance.

3) Simply put, many girls still have traditional values and want to be courted. We want to know that the guy we're interested in is a responsible man. We expect the guy to initiate contact and initiate the date, but there's a fine line for him, too. If he takes too much initiative, girls go on the defense and call him a creeper. If he doesn't take initiative, we write him off as being disinterested or lacking gumption. We're jaded and hard to please; I know. I've often wondered how many potential dates I've missed out on for these reasons.

4) Girls are told it's manly to take initiative and pursue a date. Obviously, the connotation associated with a girl being manly here is a negative one. In my career, initiative is a must. However, I'm expected to turn that initiative gumption off as soon as I log into match.com (which has been as fun as swimming with a cinder block tied to my waist lately..). Also, if the girl is being manly in the relationship, then that leaves the man to be *GASP* emasculated and in a more feminine role. Even writing this feels ridiculous, but, if we're all being honest here, these are the thoughts absolutely still apply to dating in our generation.

5) In dating, girls are supposed to play hard to get. If a girl initiates contact, her gig is up. How can she still play the cat and mouse game? I have to re-think my entire premise of dating if I'm letting go of this game. I don't know if it's from my upbringing, media, or past experiences, but somewhere in my mind I've believed that all dating relationships must have a cat. And they must have a mouse. Someone has to be the primary chaser, and someone has to be caught. It wasn't until recently that I began thinking, "Wait..Can we both be cats...What if we share the role of pursuit..?" I don't know what that looks like, but, it sounds lovely, right?

Of course, there are more reasons running around in my head. Anytime I see a guy from match.com that I might be interested in, I entertain both thought camps in my head.
"Heather, just send him a message...Get a flipping grip..."
"No, Heather, don't. If it's meant to be, he'll see your profile and send you a message."
"That's ridiculous. What if he never sees my profile and this is my one chance to meet this guy?"
"Stop, Heather. If you message him he's going to think you're too aggressive and needy."
What happens next varies. If old-school Heather wins the debate, I usually just log off match or set my phone down. If new-school Heather wins, I might like a photo, send a "wink" (soooo weird), or send a brief message. (Bold moves, I know....not..)

I can't tell you I'm ever 100% confident with either choice. I also can't tell you that either choice is really working out for me. I take pride in my independence, confidence, and my ability to speak up for myself and for others every day. However, I still struggle with the balance about how I want to create dating opportunities. As I write this, it seems as if I live a largely modern life, except when it comes to dating. Again, I don't know how to feel about this or resolve this. Maybe I'm okay with that, but maybe I'm doing this wrong.

-Heather

P.S., The "Well, we can have kids and change that" guy from a few posts ago has now sent me two more potentially drug/alcohol induced and typo-infused messages. I am WINNING at match.com, y'all.

A note from Holly:

Wow, so Heather basically nailed #thestruggleisreal. While I understand the sides that Heather outlines above, this usually becomes a bit easier for me. Perhaps it's because I've always been a fan of fairytales or perhaps it's because I'm so ridiculously happy being a dainty girl that I need someone ridiculously happy at being a confident man. Otherwise, I fear we won't have a fair balance...

I understand the girls who aspire to the "feminist" side of things but I don't think I've ever faced a situation where I personally felt obligated to define my stance. I've never been super athletic, so I never felt the need to claim my physical superiority over a man and, please no one be offended by this, but I never felt like I needed prove my intelligence either.

However, after reading Heather's original blog, my immediate reaction was to come to the concrete resolution that any man for me would be courageous enough to initiate contact because courage is something I would expect him to teach our son...no sooner had I thought that than immediate red flags popped up all over my formerly decisive conscious...why can't I teach my son courage? Why can't I teach my son and daughter courage? I am FULL of courage. I'll spare you a long list of evidence but in short, bravery is something I consider a core value. So finally, here it is. It's not a question of physical abilities or intelligence but it's the issue that even I expect him to bring certain things to the table that I shouldn't...and that stresses me out y'all. 

If I wasn't over analyzing this aspect of things before, I certainly am now. Go back to my original post. I'm not sure I want any of this dating business. Prior to this blog, I would have told you that he should have contacted me. Now, let's just avoid the whole messy situation altogether.

Sorry for the gloom and doom.

Hugs and frogs,

Heather and Holly

Between a 3 and a 7...

A note from Holly:

There’s a long list of reasons as to why I’m single. Long. Seriously, people. I’m aware of it and heaven knows that I’ve got exs that can attest to it. I’m not apologizing for anything on the list– I’m simply acknowledging it’s existence.

One of the many things on that list would be my extreme range of emotions. I basically follow Kristen Bell’s explanation that if I’m not between a 3 and a 7 on the emotional scale, I’m crying. I mean, lots of you can attest to this and God bless each of you for dealing with me crying while angry, tired, hungry, happy or sad. It’s just my default emotion. In addition to crying, I also tend to have pretty intense “flight or fight” types of reactions to situations. As in, I don’t want to sit there and consider ideal strategies, I WANT TO AVOID THE CRISIS ALL TOGETHER. LET’S GO PEOPLE! One might say this is ideal, given my current employment but, this also means that there are moments, when confronted with unfamiliar terrain, that I cease all logical function and do things like shriek, drop my phone, run into my bathroom and lock the door.

Yeah. So. That’s exactly what I did when I got my first Hinge match. 

After days and days of swiping left or right, I finally got a match…And I freaked out! A match! What does this mean?! Now he’s a real person! He’s a real person and I can message him directly! He now has a last name and everything! My dad would hate him. I can tell! I can just feel it! This isn’t going to work. Not going to work…

I’m 90% confident that I would have remained locked in my own bathroom to avoid my dating app if I hadn’t need to discuss this with Heather who was, unfortunately, only reachable via the phone containing said dating app. So, I marched out of the bathroom, defiantly closed Hinge and texted my dilemma to Heather…who was entirely and wholly unsympathetic and unnerved by my plight. Who’s shocked? No one. And in case you're wondering, my one match has yet to message me.

Le sigh.

So speaking of Hinge, I thought I’d share a few observations about my time there thus far and also give a little insight on my self-imposed “rules.” As I’ve explained previously, Hinge connects you with Facebook friends of Facebook friends (and, as I learned this week, apparently your friends as well – this is another story for another time). Brilliantly, Hinge imports all of your pictures/details from Facebook so you don’t have to go through and try to find pictures where you don’t look fat/ugly/crazy as anything you deemed appropriate for a Facebook profile pic makes the cut (don’t panic, you can delete some if you do find yourself looking fat/ugly/crazy). Then, rather than go through the hellish process that Heather outlined previously of describing yourself/what you’re looking for, Hinge just has a few “tags” that you can select. These pictures don’t show all the tags but they do show all the ones I chose (full disclosure – I thought I should be as accurate as possible. I am, in fact, a boring bookworm and I revel in my goody two shoeness. There is no fun to be had here, boys. No fun at all. Keep a movin’! Keep a movin’!) As you can see, there are some pretty comical ones which I appreciate and I feel lightens up the whole situation (conflicted omnivore is my favorite).

Now, in addition to tags, you are also asked your religion. This has been a deal-breaker for me. If a boy can go through the process of selecting tags, but does not select his religion, he’s done. (Seriously?! Jesus died for you and you can’t check a box?!) Well, there’s the next point, if he’s not a Christian, he’s also getting the axe. It’s not because I think that someone from another religion is doomed to hell or an awful person or unworthy of my time. It is because I feel unwaveringly strong about my own Christianity, I firmly believe any male worth marrying should take on the role of spiritual leader and I am 100% confident that any baby that comes outta this body will be marched to church at least once a week ssssssooooo…you see the lack of difficulty I have in weeding out these candidates, right? Sorry I’m not sorry.

Hinge also gives you the opportunity to write a tagline. Some people use this for quotes, for a brief synopsis of what they’re looking for/not looking for, for song lyrics, etc. I do not have a tagline as I have yet to come up with something that I believe to adequately depict the fact that I’m dating for a year and blogging about it so…with that I mind, I’ve provided a few samples of some of the more precious taglines I’ve run across. Seriously, how adorable/quick-witted/comical are these?

But then things can get a little weird...as in, I actually don't understand what you're saying:

Seriously. I'm not following.

And then we have a few that just make me wonder if they understand the purpose of the tagline. I mean, while some of these my be valid points/questions, I wonder why we're sharing them here....

I don't think it says good things, Clifford. Not good things at all.

And Ryan gets extra points for not only having a self-proclaimed "dope" life but also for being Jewish AND Agnostic. I feel like you have so much to figure out about your own life, little wittle baby bird. Hang in there! It's big and scary but you'll figure it out!

There are also a few that are a just smidge on the creepy side...

 As in...the Craigslist killer or....?

 

Thanks for the heads up, Chase!

 

I mean, really Kev-Ann, kudos to you. Job security is hard to come by these days and it seems that you have beaten the system! Well done!

And finally, there’s this guy. We have the same onesie. I feel like there is no way to accurately describe the moment that you realize you could someday send Christmas cards to all your friends of you…and your husband…in matching giraffe onesies. #twinsies

In other news and continuing with the spirit of this blog (i.e., my crazy emotions), I spoke with my friend Bianca shortly after my first Hinge match (yes, the drop the phone and run into the bathroom match). While I’ve known for years that Bianca has a Pinterest board for my wedding (she vocalizes this often), I had never actually seen said board. So Bianca sent it to me. And I cried. I cried because she knows me SO well. Seriously. Everything on that board is perfection. She even included a flower wreath for Boston! And we all know that my fur baby will be a prominent feature of any shindig I’m hosting!

I also cried because she named the board “Someday your prince will come” and well, how on earth can you not cry about that?!

A note from Heather:

Okay, so, we've established that Holly cries when she enters the emotional range outside of a 3-7. I, however, don't operate on the same scale. I'm usually pretty chill and cool in the emotional range of 1.5-9.5. However, Heather at a 1 becomes Irate Heather. This can be triggered by just a few things , but, here's an example of the latest....

Holly's mention of snooping through my e-mails has indicated that I'm receiving communication from guys on Match.com, which I've confirmed. I've also confirmed that it's been mainly fruitless thus far. However, I can handle fruitless. I can handle duds. I can handle creepy and skeezy dudes. There isn't much that you can throw at me that I haven't seen or heard before. However, I was NOT prepared for this one. I've included the screen shots below for you to follow our somewhat-of-a-conversation.

Note: Here's where Heather becomes a 1 on her emotional scale and enters a stage of irateness.) (Note 2: Is irateness a word?) (Note 3: Nope... apparently irateness is not a word. Whatever. I'm leaving it because I can.)

I'm not going to go into much detail or processing on that because I think my response is self explanatory. However, I will say that I was really rattled by the whole ordeal. I don't really know why; perhaps because this is the first time in my life where someone has said "....you're going straight to HELL" to me. While I know I'm not going to hell, and my salvation has nothing to do with my dear friend, Lamont, it's still rattled me in the sense that I know rejection (even perceived) can bring out the worst in people and I need to tread carefully...

Also...do I get bonus frog hunting points for using hearts to cover up his face?

Hugs and frogs,

Holly & Heather



I digress. And vicodin.

A note from Heather:

As we've started this journey, I've become more self-aware in the absurdity of the online dating process. But, so far, the things that have provided me with the most thought-provoking, soul-searching, and scrutinizing moments have not come from conversations with potential dates, but, alas, from the tediousness of creating my online dating profile. Maybe I read wayyyy too much into it (me? never...) or maybe I'm justified in my spastic tendencies. Either way, HOW DO PEOPLE NOT HAVE BREAKDOWNS ABOUT THIS STUFF?! Online dating sites should hire professionals to help you write your summaries. Anyone want to invest in this business venture with me? You can hire people to help you write your professional resume, so why not your personal/dating resume? Am I right, or am I right? I digress.

How in the flipping world am I supposed to summarize myself in a semi-concise paragraph? Even more, how do I make that semi-concise paragraph truthful AND intriguing? It's challenging to dissect yourself and decide what parts of you deserve making it into that summary. It has to attract the person you're looking for, be accurate, and weed out the time-wasters. Time-wasters. I think that's what I should call ex-boyfriends from here on out. I digress again...

Do I talk about my job and why I love it? No, that seems too "bleeding heart". Do I talk about the fact that I bought a house with my best friend and adopted a dog with her? Errrr.... let's skip that. What about that I'm not going to party with you or sleep with you? Errr......Maybe I should say something about doing extensive creeping (you would be amazed at what I can find out about people...) and that I would probably be able to list the names of your parents, siblings, and previous relationships before even meeting someone? Well, Heather, might want to leave that one out, too. How about mentioning that there's a chance anyone who messages me will end up in a public blog? Yeahh...you should probably skip that also. Should I say that I love working out and adhere to a paleo diet? Well, now that's just lying... Saying "I work M-F and then go home... And I eat.... and then get tired.... and go to sleep.... and I like things..like dogs...and Kevin Durant..." doesn't really read "HEY! Date ME!" or attract guys with substance.

So, after I clearly spent an embarrassing amount of time trying to create my online profile and deciding less is more, I purchased a 6 month subscription to match.com. Given the conversations from my first week, I can't decide if that was a mistake or a MAJOR mistake. Time will tell.

However, something I can already tell is that most of these guys are dumb and it doesn't actually matter what I write in my profile. I won't apologize for that sweeping generalization until I'm proven otherwise.
Here's Exhibit A:

My tag line on my profile is "I like my dog more than most people..." I can only assume that his message is MEANT to say "We can have kids and change that" in reply to my tag line. However, though his text was garbled, what I read it as was "Hi. I'm drunk and you're a female, so, I think that makes us a match. Do you like my bathroom selfie?" No, sir, I don't like your bathroom selfie. Next, please.

In other news, I had round 1 of a root canal this week. Because of said root canal, I was prescribed Vicodin. You know what Vicodin-induced Heather does on match.com? She gets ballsy. She winks at attractive, Christian boys who seem to have substance. You know what happens next? Sober, non-Vicodin Heather gets back on match.com to see that a few wink-receiving boys had viewed her profile and only one had responded to her "wink". Thank God I had more Vicodin after that. Kidding. Kind of. Not really.

A note from Holly:

Well, my eyes are still watering from laughing through Heather's post. I think she basically summed it up. I can confirm through her e-mails, which I un-accidentally read again, that Heather has indeed found some "interesting" guys. I, myself, am continuing to "Hinge", but no conversations yet. I will continue to keep you updated on the success, or lack thereof, in my attempt to date via a mobile application.

Hugs and frogs,
Holly & Heather

Pre-Gaming

A note from Holly:

I’ve never been a pre-gamer. This is primarily due to the fact that I don’t “game,” hence making my interest in pre-gaming for a fictional event unrealistic. This characteristic has provided zero implications for me in the past. However, it is currently on my radar as I have now managed to set up a date and then have it cancelled due to the fact that we were not “both investing equally.” Pre-date, folks. Not investing equally pre-date. 

So…that’s interesting. 

The full story is that I received said text message while teaching my college class. As a horrible example to my students, I had failed to put my own phone on silent. As I reached for my phone to mute the sucker, I managed to read the message on the front screen and then do that awkward laugh/snort thing where you sound like a pig and probably spit on objects near you. Yeah. Because guys, that happened a whopping 24 hours after I announced my year of dating. I am KILLING this whole dating thing. #nailedit

Moving on.

In other news, I’d like to take a moment to reflect on what the announcement of the “frog blog” (which is what many of you have lovingly dubbed it) and the transpiring events have looked like for Heth and I:

1. Heather had interest. I’m talking exs/ex interests/current interests/boys that know or knew her at any point in her life texting her/messaging her like crazy. While not necessarily volunteering themselves, they wanted more information and were happy to provide insight into the process. I point this out because this was not the occurrence for me. As a matter of fact, I didn’t even have a single ex relationship member “like” my Facebook post…96 likes and an ex ain’t one. Seriously. I feel like this means something…

2. You all were awesome! You took my desire to be set up by people you would recommend seriously and I’M SO EXCITED. I LOVED getting messages from you all with boys you think might be a good match. I have such good wing women (again, an overwhelming absence of boys here…)! Furthermore, your general comments/show of support were so very meaningful to Heather and me!

3. I sincerely apologize for the disappointment that this was not an announcement of a blog dedicated to the ins and outs of frog ensnarement. However, should you all know a man who wants to take me on a frog hunting date, I am willing to go, but I make no promise surrounding my skills as a frog hunter or the success of that relationship.

4. Upon the recommendation of a former grad school friend, I have now joined Hinge. It’s sort of like Tinder…only provides the screening capabilities of only sending you potential matches who are second of third degree connections of your existing Facebook friends. This is my kind of minimal risk solution! More to come on the success of said Hinge…although I do take great joy in saying “I’m hinging.” Like, how cool does that sound?

5. Speaking of online dating, I may or may not be guilty of reading my sister’s e-mails this morning. I mean, here’s the thing: I have to use her e-mail/password to get into the backside of our blog so, it’s an innocent mistake, after logging into blogspot, for her e-mail to show up when I go to gmail. 

Disclaimer: We have different colored/different themed inboxes and are therefore not easily confused.

Confession: I knew exactly whose inbox I was in when gmail loaded.

So I noticed that she had all these messages! All these unread messages! All these unread messages with subject lines like “hey gorgeous!” So then, really, upon discovering her blatant need for assistance in reading through these unread, flattering e-mails, what kind of sister would I be if I didn’t help her out?! 

Whoopsies.

I did tell her. I mean, I confessed right after I did it. I texted her PRONTO. I wouldn’t want her to miss out on Fredrico…he is 30 and has only one picture and is holding a weapon in said one picture. No sir. I don’t want her to miss out on that!

A note from Heather:

Don't let Holly's impression of my inbox lead you to believe that my life is now bombarded with potential suitors. On the contrary, my life is now bombarded with individuals who have a delightful criminal history, an IQ comparable to our current outside temperature, and are probably the type of men who would catcall a girl on the street. I'm not saying that I'm better than these individuals, I'm just saying they're not right for me. And readers, don't get pissy with me about judging people because isn't dating the process where you discover the details/person that's right for you?

There have been a few nice guys and I'll keep you posted on how this unfolds...

Hugs and frogs,

Holly and Heather