I love that I have friends invested in my dating my life. I mean that sincerely and I need you to understand the sincerity in that statement. Otherwise, the rest of this blog post may make me sound...uh...hateful? The gist here is that I often have friends ask about my dating life and I'm grateful that I feel comfortable enough with them to discuss any exciting, or not so exciting, updates on that front. In fact, I recently had this discussion with a close friend and was sharing that even though I had been talking to a guy on Happn for several days, I felt that the time to end it had come. Without going into details on that situation (although I still feel strongly that it was the right decision), my friend then proceeded to list a variety of reasons on why I should keep giving this guy another shot.
She mentioned that she wished I would just "go with the flow" and that I wasn't giving him a chance. I remained silent during this part of the conversation as I'm accustomed to this type of argument. The underlying issue for me is that the insinuation is that I should "go with the flow" and ultimately waver on an issue I find important. Folks. The reason I'm where I am now is because I thought the things that were important to me, and perhaps not important to a significant other, would "work themselves out" or "he would change." I should just keep going with this relationship to "see what happens" and guys, I know what happens. It doesn't work out.
So, really, I can "go with the flow." In fact, I am! This is the river I have chosen and unfortunately sugar, the river he chose has him flowing elsewhere. Let's not muddy the tributaries here, people. Just let us flow.
Perhaps most frustrating though, and the true purpose of this post, is that the next point in this conversation is always "look at how it worked out for me and blah blah!"
And then, I grit my teeth, take a deep breath, and do everything in my power not to say it. Don't make me say it. Don't make me look you in the eyes, your well-intentioned eyes, and tell you that I don't want what you have.
But I really don't.
I am SO VERY glad that you are happy in your relationship. I'm glad that he has checked all your boxes. I wish you a lifetime of happiness. But I don't want him and I don't want your relationship. And aren't we all glad?! Truly?! Isn't a good thing that I don't want your husband or to be you cuddled up to him every night? Whew! I mean, thank God!
And while I will always, hear me on this, ALWAYS listen to your marital or relationship woes, I think it's sometimes comical that you talk to me about how he won't stop spending money on car parts, or he won't help you with your kids, or he won't support you in your career pursuits AND THEN YOU TRY TO TELL ME HOW TO GET EXACTLY WHAT YOU HAVE. *shake my head* No, thanks.
I also want to be clear on the fact that I understand that all of that comes with a relationship. I understand that you both love each other very much. I understand that there are compromises and that you must "pick your battles." So I guess what I'm asking is that you acknowledge that these are battles I have chosen to pick. These are my non-negotiables.
If I were in a relationship and called you up to express my frustration about him not going to church with me, or him calling me while drunk at 3 a.m. when he's still out with his friends, or him simply ignoring me for days on end, you would totally have my back. At that point, you would not tell me to "go with the flow." or that I should "give him another chance." So why do I have to do that now? Why am I supposed to go with the flow and give him a chance when he does it in our early dating endeavors?
On a closing note, I also want to share that some of you do have AMAZING relationships and that someday, when I get to that point, I want every bit of advice you can offer. You've just got to let me find my guy first.
So, I met this guy via one of these online dating apps. I had come across his profile on match last fall and we briefly chatted back and forth. At that time, the conversation fizzled out, which is what happens with probably 75% of conversations I’m part of in this dating gig. This guy was super into posting inspirational quotes on social media……*eye roll*…so, I just decided to dub him “Quotesy” for the purposes of this entry.
Quotesy is super cute, complimentary, and has a stable job. He played football in college and he’s really into working out, but I wasn’t holding that against him (bahahah). He was consistent and clear with his intentions.
For example: I hadn’t heard from him one day and was talking to my roommate, Emily, about how the little fling was probably fizzling out. Literally in the middle of my sentence, he called to apologize about being MIA. I told him it was cool and I knew he was busy…he replied with a “No! I’ll do better tomorrow.”
Weird.
We talked via the app, then texted, then phone calls, then face time. That progression took almost a month-ish.
Quotesy lives in a town about an hour and a half away from
Saint Louis, so that presented some obstacles to meeting. Considering his work
schedule and my work/volunteer/travel schedule, we just hadn’t had much free
time. So, we decided we would meet half way for breakfast
last Sunday morning. I was volunteering later that afternoon and he was working
later, so, breakfast it was.
While on the phone Friday night (he had texted me asking “Do I
get to hear your voice tonight?”…..smooth....), the Sunday plans came up
in conversation and everything was good to go. I confirmed that Emily would be volunteering a
double shift on Sunday so that I had time to go get breakfast with him. The
phone call was a typical/nice call..he complimented my eyes, talked about being
excited to see each other Sunday, and how he wished he had been in STL to have
come to the event I was at that night..yadda, yadda, yadda.
That brings us to Saturday. I didn’t hear from him in the AM….or
the afternoon…..or even by 8 pm. This is the first time since we reconnected a
month prior that we hadn’t at least said hi during the day. I’m texting Emily
asking her how I’m supposed to handle this and we’re both pretty confused. 9 pm
rolls around and still nothing. After consulting with my therapist
(aka..Emily), I sent him a message via FB because I didn’t have his number.**
**Note: If I feel like I can see my crazy coming out, I
delete a guy’s number or don’t save them in my phone. This keeps me from
sending a winky face emoji to them at 3 am. (but really…) After our chat Friday
night, I had deleted Quotesy’s number to keep myself from saying something
dumb. I’m really sensitive to making sure conversations are initiated equally
at the beginning, so this little rule keeps me from coming on strong. Divulging
this makes me sound CRAZY..I know this..but it’s my system and it keeps me in
line. (And apparently keeps me super single...so...great..) This is one of those aforementioned "quirks", I guess.
I digress.
I messaged him to confirm that we were still on for Sunday. He
replied saying “I honestly don’t think I’m going to be able to make it tomorrow.
I’m exhausted and have been in bed all day until now.”Uh…
What?
…
Anyway, so I replied saying “I hope you get rest.” And he
replied, “Sorry for the late notice…We will def reschedule asap.”
And that was the last time I heard from Quotesy, which was 8
days ago.
Uh…
What?
...
I still don’t really know what happened, but I have a few theories. They’re all pretty much equally sucky and ultimately it just boiled down to him not wanting this.
a) He heard from an ex/met someone else and was
feeling conflicted about meeting me.
b)
He liked the challenge/chase/banter with me, but
didn’t ever intend to actually meet.
c)
As he got to know me more, he realized I wasn’t
who he assumed I was and wasn’t into it anymore.
d)
He overdosed on protein powder and pre-workout
and is now in a comatose state underneath a set of dumbbells.
On top of questioning myself about everything that happened
here, I’m also just annoyed that I invested so much time and energy into
Quotesy.
Back to the drawing board again.
Hugs and frogs,
Holly & Heather
