Seriously. We auditioned for The Bachelor. And it was...interesting?
Before we get going here, I'd like to give the disclaimer that Heather was completely opposed to doing this originally. I practically begged her to choose this past weekend to come visit (she was looking at several dates) so that we could audition in Hanover. I'm pretty sure I threatened to expose secrets on the blog if she didn't oblige.
She came.
Obviously, I've got some pretty impressive dirt. ;)
Heather got here late Wednesday and after a magical day in Georgetown (shoutout to Kafe Leopold's), we came back to my house to start the process of getting acceptable looking. I feel like I should point out how difficult things started getting at this point...things got real...like, how should I fix my hair? red lips? no red lips? how big are these brows going today? Good heavens! They aren't going to make me take off my Spanx are they?!
In the midst of my nail polishing, exfoliating, shaving and praying, I looked at Heather who seemed calm as a dadgum Buddhist monk. She was checking her phone...with wet hair...and running shorts on...
Me: Kid, are you going to put on make-up?
Heather: I'll do it in the car.
Me: *Internally seething about her ability to do this* What about your dress? Are you going to iron it?!
Heather: I feel like you would care about it being ironed but I really don't.
And back into the bathroom I went...
After all necessary prep work had been completed, we trudged out the door...into a monsoon...where Heather was kind enough to give me the good umbrella. (She totes appreciated the effort that goes into dealing with my hair.)
We took off for Hanover (which is a smidge south of Baltimore) and while the GPS said it would take an hour, I'm proud to report that it only took 45 minutes. Just call me Holly Gordon.
On the drive, Heather and I decided to do a little practicing. Neither one of us had ANY idea of what to really expect but, had done enough research to know that there were going to be questions. Here's a sample of the ones Heather and I made up for practice:
Heather: What's something unique about you?
Holly: I can say "Kiss me because I'm single" in nine language.
Heather: Girl! You better be able to back that up! Let's hear 'em!
Holly: Do you have any special talents?
Heather: Uhhhhhh....hhhhhhmmmm...nope. Nothing comes to mind. Thanks, Hol.
Holly: Why do you want to be on the Bachelor?
Heather. I don't.
It was a swell ride. ;)
The auditions were from 5-9 and we arrived at 7:45 thinking we had plenty of time to go in, "audition" (whatever that meant) and then go get some dinner. Wrong. So. Very. Wrong. I'll spoil the ending here: we didn't leave that place until midnight.
This was mainly due to the fact that there were SO many people. While predominately female, there was also a nice representation of the male gender. We spent a substantial amount of time trying to figure out if the men were there to try and date the next Bachelor or to be the next Bachelor. It was unclear for a few candidates. Regardless, there were beautiful men all around!
I'm pretty sure Heather and I signed something that said we wouldn't give away details. I'm not 100% of this because when we saw the line, Heather and I were committed to hustling! We started out by filling out the paperwork that I didn't read which did include a questionnaire about my love life, hobbies, etc.
Next, we had to get in a different line to take pictures.
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| Heather getting her picture taken! |
After pictures, we got in a line on the stage floor. They had a local news anchor there to "entertain" us but frankly, she was a little harsh and kept trying to force people to do dance parties. I avoided eye contact with her at all costs.
This is where Heather and I spent the vast majority of our four hours at the audition. We finally realized that they were taking approximately five people at a time from the line every 10-15 minutes. It was painful people. Painful.
To deal with this pain, they hired a DJ who occasionally played some awesome jams. Backstreet Boys made an appearance and so did "This is how we do it!" However, I'm saddened to report that "Cotton-eyed Joe" did not make the list. I mean seriously, it's not a party without Cotton-eyed Joe.
Heather kept asking me to tell her a story. I basically caught her up on every single detail of my life and during the course of that time, we moved six inches. This is when we became VVVVEEEEEWWWWWYYYY interested in the people around us. Heather noted that it's easy for girls to think they would be the kind of girl who gets along with everybody in the house but in these moments, with all these girls eyeing you up and down, you realize how quickly you might want to voice your opinions.
In addition to stares and sizing each other up, Heather and I were fortunate enough to have the life of the party a mere 5 people in front of us. Seriously. This girl was there for a good - scratch that - GREAT time. She was drinking and dancing and "wooing" and drinking and dancing and "wooing" and drinking and dancing and taking pictures with the security men and drinking and dancing and "wooing." I developed an affinity for her and told Heather that she was growing on me.
Heather told me to avoid eye contact with her as she might beat me up. (Note from Heather: No, I told Holly to stop STARING at this girl because it was weird. And, I felt like the girl had plennnnnnty of attention as it was.)
Valid point.
We also spent a solid amount of time discussing the guy and girl directly in front of us. They were fun to discuss because their relationship appeared to be an interesting one. They were standing very close to each other and were a little flirtatious. This meant they were either there to break-up over the Bachelor, try to date him together, or they were really awkward friends. It turned out to be latter.
We discovered this when they kindly turned around and offered us $5 to hold their place in line so they could go gamble. Heather and I politely declined the $5 but told them we would hold their spots with no problem. They then offered to give us half of any winnings they might incur. We still declined. They then offered to bring us food. Nnnnnnoooooowwwwww we're talking.
We wound up holding their place for around an hour and a half and in return, we got these precious things:
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| French fries have never tasted so good. (Note from Heather: Add this to the list of times I was so excited about food that I could have cried...) |
When they returned with wonderful sustenance, it was then that Heather and I asked the girl, Hailey, about her relationship with the young man. After much discussion, I decided to take matters into my own hands and discuss the situation with the boy who was too blind to see Hailey's wonderfulness. Unfortunately, I don't think I was able to make much progress because we FINALLY got to leave the line. (Note from Heather: Holly is downplaying this. She approached the guy when he was by himself and was aggressively interrogating him, while I tried to fiend off two potential bachelors who were hell bent on convincing me that the current bachelorette is a "slut". Ew. Go away. I don't want to be your friend, dumb boys.)
We left the line and were walked to another room where, wait for it, we got put in another line. At this point, it was 11:30 p.m. and I was seriously thinking about crying/walking out. However, this line was moving faster as there were about four closed-off curtain areas where each individual was taken back and interviewed by a Bachelor producer/assistant.
I won't type out too many details because a) I'm already about to bore you to death and b) I seriously don't know what I signed but I think it went well? I mean, it didn't go poorly?
Basically, I made a new friend, Kristen, who used to work at Disney! We talked about Disney and entertainment and CP programs and had a grand time! And then she turned on the camera, asked me some questions not related to Disney, and I walked out. Actually, she told me when she was going to turn on the camera and that I should be smiling when she did (this was much nicer than Heather's interviewer, who did not give such a courtesy, which resulted in the fear that the first 5 seconds of Heather's video shows her holding a sign with her name and number and a face that screams "mugshot.")
Heather was waiting outside, we said good bye to Hailey and her boy (GET IT TOGETHER, GUYS), got in the car, drove back to D.C. and crashed.
A note from Heather:
Holly summed up the night's activities pretty well, so I won't re-hash all of that. I will add a few of my notes about the night, though.
1) I understand that any reality TV show has negative and taboo connotations with it, especially the Bachelor franchise. I had a hard time agreeing to going to the casting call, and I'm having a hard time announcing it to all of y'all. The fact that my sister and I went to an open casting call isn't something we're really bragging about here. We understand the taboo; we understand we're being labeled as "those girls". I'm not striking it rich with desirable suitors via other avenues, so, I've really got nothing to lose. I mean, except for my pride and credibility, but, who needs that? In the grand scheme of things, we had a funny night of sisterly bonding and now have an interesting story that we can laugh about for years. (A note from Holly: And if I can get a husband out of it then I'm all for it!)
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| Holly: Excitement and Anticipation Heather: Trepidation |
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| Holly's attempt to prevent her makeup from settling into her smile lines. How's that for blog transparency? |
3) This is along the lines of my previous point, but, I noticed some girls becoming catty about the other girls. I know mean girls are everywhere and we all can have nasty tendencies, but, this was surprisingly blatant. This really hit when we were in the final line/room with the curtained-off interview rooms. A girl seated next to me made a few catty comments about the process, which I assumed was anxiety/jealousy induced. We'll call her Stilettos (because she was wearing hot pink suede ones..) At one point, we could actually hear the answers of another girl who was in the middle of her filmed interview. The question asked of her was "What would your perfect date be?" I don't remember her exact answer, but it was something along the lines of going to an elephant rescue in Asia. Stilettos immediately laughed loudly and began degrading the authenticity of the interviewee's answer. Finally, when the interviewee walked back out to our waiting area, Stilettos said "Ohh, sorry. You didn't make it? Well, too bad. You can go save all the elephants on your own." Stilettos didn't necessarily say it TO the interviewee, but she definitely said it in ear-shot of the interviewee. I blinked at her, mainly in total bewilderment. In hindsight, I feel horrible that I didn't say something to Stilettos on behalf of the interviewee (and everyone else)....
4) The filmed interview was surprisingly short and shallow. Actually, I guess I shouldn't be surprised by that, but I was. I expected there to be more questions, so I gave somewhat brief answers to everything. Anyway, the most shocking part happened right at the end. We'll call my interviewer "Unimpressed", because...well..I think she was unimpressed. After my final comments to Unimpressed about why I think I'm the bee's knees, Unimpressed told me that I would need to stand up in the corner of the curtained room so that she could film full body shots of me. Immediately, I asked her if she was joking. She wasn't. I hesitantly stood up, walked to the corner of the room, and I saw the camera following me. (This is the same moment where I thought to myself "There's no way to suck in your back fat, huh? Welp.) I stood in the corner of the room and watched the camera scan my body up and down. I asked "Is anyone okay with this? Like..does anyone stand up here with confidence and like this part?..." Unimpressed, who clearly wasn't sympathetic to my comment, said "Well, maybe they don't like it but they all do it." Egads. My inner feminist was revolting. I asked, "So..I just stand here? Am I supposed to move? Is this really happening? Do I put my hands on my hips? Should I turn? I'm confident but this is weird."
Unimpressed said "You're fine" as she continued angling the camera to scan me from head to toe. I remember thinking "Should I have worn something skin tight? Is that what you're looking for here? I'm not okay with this. Also, I should have self tanned.", but I can't remember if I said any of that out loud. It was a weird struggle between "Um.. this is disgusting and dumb and y'all suck." and "Omg.. do they think I'm pretty?". I dance between that struggle on a daily basis, but, we'll save that for another blog titled "Feminists can like makeup, too."
5) Given the vapid nature of my interview and my not-so-brief freak out about the full body camera shots, I think I have a better shot of marrying Ryan Gosling himself than getting a call back. Even if I did get a call back, I don't think I could maintain any sense of professional credibility and be on the show. "Oh yeah, Ms. Stephens..I would love to chat with you about the 16 y/o kiddo I'm trying to find an adoptive home for. And yes, Ms. Stephens, you have seen me make out with a guy on national television...Yep..that's me.." Even though I know all of this, I still have the feeling like the producers are supposed to want me, which I think many of us experience with dating. Even if you know you're not interesting in a person or in an outcome, you still want to be wanted. You still want them to think you're worth it. I know it's an immature and inconsiderate mindset; I'll beat you to the punch and admit that. Insert Cheap Trick's "I want you to want me" lyrics here...
6) They gave out roses to all of the girls ahead of us, but ran out of flowers before they got to us. Kewl. I felt gipped and needed a darn souvenir from the experience, so I tried to get Holly to steal a cup from the bar. She refused. I tried to steal a pen from the casino, but, I lost it in one of the 2198437 lines. Double kewl.
7) We met a guy who has half a brain. Well, that's what he and his friend told us at least. I'm no neurologist, but, I couldn't imagine that being true. He told us Ben Carson was the doctor who operated on him. Ben Carson's Wikipedia page indicates he specializes in "the hemispherectomy, a drastic surgical procedure in which part or all of one hemisphere of the brain is removed to control severe pediatric epilepsy." So, maybe this dude really only had half his brain. Woah. Fascinating. I digress.
Anyway, this guy waited with the rest of us for hours and then when we were all finally walking over to the final waiting area for the filmed interviews, he and his friend disappeared. Holly and I can't figure out if he left due to nerves, or if he really had no intentions of ever trying out. A third option (that I hadn't previously considered) is that maybe he got distracted by the slot machines and then got abducted by mafia dudes. Hmm.
Hugs and frogs,
Holly and Heather
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