Sunday, October 25, 2015

Well, I went speed dating.

Holly here.

I could start this post off talking about how this was a low point, or that I had to talk myself into this idea...and while both statements might be accurate, I really want the focus of this article to be that I am literally doing all I can here, folks.

I recently had dinner with a friend I haven't seen in a awhile. We discussed her boyfriend (likely to be fiance soon) and then the conversation turned to my dating life. I mentioned that I was approaching my "six years without a dateaversary" and she said "Girl, you've got to put yourself out there!"

...

At that point, it seemed the only logical thing to do was to ask her for her keys. After I impaled her with my fork, it would only be right to drive her to the emergency room. Anything less than that would be unsouthern.

But seriously. I will cut you.

Moving on....

When I first saw a Groupon for speed-dating, I'll admit that I was little excited. Oh! The possibilities! I was able to convey my excitement to a single friend, Eva, who agreed to purchase not one, but TWO speed dating event tickets with me!

Wahoo!

Morning Face-timing while Heather brushes her teeth.
As you may have suspected, the excitement dwindled. Heather tried to help by face timing with me the morning of the event to discuss important matters, like what was I going to wear?! (Skinny jeans, nude heels, and a black tank and cardigan). She told me that I looked like the girl who told the X-Men what to do. Actually, not just the X-Men but all superheros...This was mildly comforting as I do feel like I would rock that job...

However, when I finally met up with Eva last Friday, we both required some serious coercion in order to get us through that speed-dating door. We had to pre-game at a coffee shop and people, we both poured PLENTY of sugar in that coffee! PUHLENTY!

And then, in true "digging my heels in, I don't want to do this" fashion, I even Ubered the two blocks from the coffee shop to the event. Our Uber driver asked us if we were going out for a fun night. We explained our night. He then said "You don't need speed dating!" Oh sweet Darren...do you have time to go around the block? Let me tell you all about how I've landed here.

Going in, we really weren't sure what to expect. When selecting a speed dating event, you had to pick a category and there were TONS of categories: ones for people in specific age brackets, ones for specific religions, ones for specific sexual preferences, and ones for specific careers/graduate degrees. It was exhausting even finding one that both Eva and I wanted to go to, and, having settled on a more generic 25-39 event, we weren't really sure who else would be there. The simple answer is no one .No one else would be there. Even with a 30 minute delayed start, we had six girls and fourteen guys. Yup. You read that correctly.

The unequal numbering caused a few issues:

First of all, they allowed the women to go in first and instructed us to sit at an odd numbered table. This was problematic as Eva and I had already sworn to sit next to each other NO MATTER WHAT. We were being split it up! Panic! So much panic!

Secondly, this meant that the guys had downtime...to sit at an empty table, in between two active conversations and, play on their phones, make detailed notes about the girl they were just speaking to, or, the most popular option: eavesdrop. It was SO creepy to have the organizers ring the bell and then have the next guy come to your table and pick up where your last conversation had left off...or open the conversation by saying "I won't ask you where you're from or what you do, I heard you explain it to that other guy."

I was super creepy and took a picture of Eva while she was talking.
Yes, this does mean I took the picture while I was talking myself.
Lastly, the worst consequence of uneven numbering was the feeling of being a maimed monkey in shark infested water. Why am I in the ocean? How did I get here? I can't swim! Where's a tree? Why are there so many sharks? SO MANY! Why do they keep circling? Yeah...all good questions, my poor monkey friend...all good questions.

I'll spare you a detailed encounter of my evening but will say that it lasted two hours, we rotated every six minutes, and they gave you a paper so that you could rank people and take notes.The idea was that you would then go back to the organizer's website and identify people you liked. If they liked you back, then the organizers would provide you with contact information. I'm going to eliminate your suspense: I didn't want to match with anybody.

Ssssssssooooooo, while I did meet 14 unique and mostly charming gentlemen, I will take a moment to share a few of my favorites:

1. Mr. Arrogant. This guy was relatively handsome but, my gosh, he was condescending. He asked me where I was from, I proudly said Oklahoma, and then he proceeded to talk to me about how he had lived in Ponca City growing up but was so glad that he had gotten out and "expanded his world view." He talked about how he had lived in Germany for a bit and how it's so important to be aware of different cultures. He then tried to "help me out" by providing some guidance for "city living" as he was sure the the transition from Oklahoma to D.C. was hard for me...I wanted to hit him. Seriously.You pompous little sucker! You don't know me! The only part of our interaction that I enjoyed was when the bell rang and he moved to the next table where I know he heard me have a conversation, in MANDARIN, with a man who works in international policy with a concentration in Asian relations. I know you heard me Mr. Arrogant, and you should know that I saw you, when your stubbly little chin hit the floor. Friggin talk to me about expanding my horizons...why I oughtta...ggggrrrrrrrrrrr...

2. Mr. Algorithm. This kid. This kid. I didn't even know what to do with him. When he sat down, I noticed that he had been working on some kind of physics/calculus/something with letters AND numbers, on the back of his scoring sheet. So, I asked him what he was working on. He then proceeded to talk with an accent so thick, and with so much enthusiasm, that I barely understood him. "OOOOOOOoooooooo! It is algorithm! To...the...calculate...*high-pitched gleeful giggle* and it will...the...oooooooooooooOOOOOOoooooo....hehehehe!" "Well, Mr. Algorithm, What will you do with it? I mean, what is the purpose of the formula?" He then stared at me straight-faced, leaned forward and pointed to his head. "To know. TO KNOW!" Ah...sugar...you would hate me. I wish you the best in life but the only thing I want to understand is how to keep my hair from frizzing in high humidity.

3. Mr. Serial. This little nugget was from Baltimore. That's really all I know about him as a person because when I commented that "it must have been nice growing up in Baltimore," he said he didn't find it as enchanting as some people do. I said "Oh really? Is it more like they describe it in Serial? There's drug dealers everywhere and streakers find bodies in parks?" He had no idea what I was talking about. After I explained about the podcast, he said "Oh, wait. Is that about the girl from Woodlawn High School that got murdered at Best Buy?" I confirmed and then he said "Oh yeah. My sister went to school with her." Awkward pause. Oh...okay...and then he said "Yeah, she actually thinks that they should question the boyfriend that she had BEFORE the guy they arrested." WHAT?!?! Hae had a boyfriend prior to Adnan?! This guy proceeded to tell me all about his sister's theory and why the stories don't add up. About halfway through our time he said "Are you sure you want to talk about this? It's a little dark..." I assured him that this was the best conversation I'd had all night!!!!!! SOMEONE CALL SARAH KOENIG!!! GET HER ON THE PHONE NOW!! I HAVE THE ANSWERS!!!!

4. Mr. Adorable. I'm not really sure how to describe Mr. Adorable other than to say he was a rocket scientist, widowed, and the father of a two-year-old. He was absolutely precious and sweet and kind. Talking with him really put my situation in perspective. Even though I grow increasingly tired and frustrated and, at times, straight-up angry about this whole thing, this must be ten times harder for him. During his conversation with Eva he actually had to leave a bit early because his alarm went off which told him that it was time to go pick up his daughter. I want good things for him. I want so many amazing things for Mr. Adorable. I don't think that we're a good fit but by golly, Eva and I will both babysit your daughter while you keep looking, Mr. Adorable! We've got your back!


The aftermath.
In hindsight, the night wasn't too awful. I mean, this is coming from a girl who literally teaches people how to have conversations with strangers (shoutout to being a Special Recruitment Consultant...I'm sure all those men now want to be in my sorority) but still, even if I was nervous about talking to strangers, I don't think it would have been that bad. It was a fun night with Eva but we were both SO exhausted at the end of it. I mean, even though my four cases above were some of my highlights, there were also a lot of weird questions (If I was going on a road trip with your best friend, what would they say about you?) and a lot of creepy feels (Can I have your number now?) and guys...the whole thing is just tiring. I've been at this since March and I'm tired. I'm doing everything I know how to do and aside from a street corner, there is no where left for me to put myself.

Well, at least that was where I ended the night last night Friday...but do you want a little sneak peek of my next blog?

It's called "Well, I had a date. "

;)

A note from Heather:

Go Holly!

Another note from Heather:
Holly wrote the previous note.

I have expanded my dating horizon to now include Hinge and Bumble, which are 2 apps Holly has mentioned in previous posts. Unfortunately, my only comment about them at this time is that I now have the opportunity to sometimes decline the same guy on match.com, tinder, hinge, and bumble. Yes, friends, this has happened multiple times. Don't get it twisted and think I'm sounding cocky here.....I'm not turning down prince charming, trust me...

Like Holly, I'm also tired. I've somewhat neglected conversations and interest from guys, but I'm just in a place where I feel unmotivated with it all. Every conversation feels redundant and uninspired. It's a lot of work, and reaching a pay off seems a) evasive and b)unlikely. At an event through my job where I was surrounded by kiddos all day, I had the most precious little boy comment about how pretty I was (the Incredible Pizza mascot also commented about how pretty I was and tried to introduce himself to me...but that's another story...) and noted he wanted to be a gentleman and get a straw for me. Then, the little boy asked if I was married. Then, the little boy asked "someone doesn't want to marry you?". Then, the little boy asked if I was always sad. Straight outta the mouth of babes, y'all.

(For the record, I'm rarely sad, and definitely not sad about being single.)

I'll pep up and get my head back in the game.

Hugs and Frogs,
Holly and Heather

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