Between a 3 and a 7...

A note from Holly:

There’s a long list of reasons as to why I’m single. Long. Seriously, people. I’m aware of it and heaven knows that I’ve got exs that can attest to it. I’m not apologizing for anything on the list– I’m simply acknowledging it’s existence.

One of the many things on that list would be my extreme range of emotions. I basically follow Kristen Bell’s explanation that if I’m not between a 3 and a 7 on the emotional scale, I’m crying. I mean, lots of you can attest to this and God bless each of you for dealing with me crying while angry, tired, hungry, happy or sad. It’s just my default emotion. In addition to crying, I also tend to have pretty intense “flight or fight” types of reactions to situations. As in, I don’t want to sit there and consider ideal strategies, I WANT TO AVOID THE CRISIS ALL TOGETHER. LET’S GO PEOPLE! One might say this is ideal, given my current employment but, this also means that there are moments, when confronted with unfamiliar terrain, that I cease all logical function and do things like shriek, drop my phone, run into my bathroom and lock the door.

Yeah. So. That’s exactly what I did when I got my first Hinge match. 

After days and days of swiping left or right, I finally got a match…And I freaked out! A match! What does this mean?! Now he’s a real person! He’s a real person and I can message him directly! He now has a last name and everything! My dad would hate him. I can tell! I can just feel it! This isn’t going to work. Not going to work…

I’m 90% confident that I would have remained locked in my own bathroom to avoid my dating app if I hadn’t need to discuss this with Heather who was, unfortunately, only reachable via the phone containing said dating app. So, I marched out of the bathroom, defiantly closed Hinge and texted my dilemma to Heather…who was entirely and wholly unsympathetic and unnerved by my plight. Who’s shocked? No one. And in case you're wondering, my one match has yet to message me.

Le sigh.

So speaking of Hinge, I thought I’d share a few observations about my time there thus far and also give a little insight on my self-imposed “rules.” As I’ve explained previously, Hinge connects you with Facebook friends of Facebook friends (and, as I learned this week, apparently your friends as well – this is another story for another time). Brilliantly, Hinge imports all of your pictures/details from Facebook so you don’t have to go through and try to find pictures where you don’t look fat/ugly/crazy as anything you deemed appropriate for a Facebook profile pic makes the cut (don’t panic, you can delete some if you do find yourself looking fat/ugly/crazy). Then, rather than go through the hellish process that Heather outlined previously of describing yourself/what you’re looking for, Hinge just has a few “tags” that you can select. These pictures don’t show all the tags but they do show all the ones I chose (full disclosure – I thought I should be as accurate as possible. I am, in fact, a boring bookworm and I revel in my goody two shoeness. There is no fun to be had here, boys. No fun at all. Keep a movin’! Keep a movin’!) As you can see, there are some pretty comical ones which I appreciate and I feel lightens up the whole situation (conflicted omnivore is my favorite).

Now, in addition to tags, you are also asked your religion. This has been a deal-breaker for me. If a boy can go through the process of selecting tags, but does not select his religion, he’s done. (Seriously?! Jesus died for you and you can’t check a box?!) Well, there’s the next point, if he’s not a Christian, he’s also getting the axe. It’s not because I think that someone from another religion is doomed to hell or an awful person or unworthy of my time. It is because I feel unwaveringly strong about my own Christianity, I firmly believe any male worth marrying should take on the role of spiritual leader and I am 100% confident that any baby that comes outta this body will be marched to church at least once a week ssssssooooo…you see the lack of difficulty I have in weeding out these candidates, right? Sorry I’m not sorry.

Hinge also gives you the opportunity to write a tagline. Some people use this for quotes, for a brief synopsis of what they’re looking for/not looking for, for song lyrics, etc. I do not have a tagline as I have yet to come up with something that I believe to adequately depict the fact that I’m dating for a year and blogging about it so…with that I mind, I’ve provided a few samples of some of the more precious taglines I’ve run across. Seriously, how adorable/quick-witted/comical are these?

But then things can get a little weird...as in, I actually don't understand what you're saying:

Seriously. I'm not following.

And then we have a few that just make me wonder if they understand the purpose of the tagline. I mean, while some of these my be valid points/questions, I wonder why we're sharing them here....

I don't think it says good things, Clifford. Not good things at all.

And Ryan gets extra points for not only having a self-proclaimed "dope" life but also for being Jewish AND Agnostic. I feel like you have so much to figure out about your own life, little wittle baby bird. Hang in there! It's big and scary but you'll figure it out!

There are also a few that are a just smidge on the creepy side...

 As in...the Craigslist killer or....?

 

Thanks for the heads up, Chase!

 

I mean, really Kev-Ann, kudos to you. Job security is hard to come by these days and it seems that you have beaten the system! Well done!

And finally, there’s this guy. We have the same onesie. I feel like there is no way to accurately describe the moment that you realize you could someday send Christmas cards to all your friends of you…and your husband…in matching giraffe onesies. #twinsies

In other news and continuing with the spirit of this blog (i.e., my crazy emotions), I spoke with my friend Bianca shortly after my first Hinge match (yes, the drop the phone and run into the bathroom match). While I’ve known for years that Bianca has a Pinterest board for my wedding (she vocalizes this often), I had never actually seen said board. So Bianca sent it to me. And I cried. I cried because she knows me SO well. Seriously. Everything on that board is perfection. She even included a flower wreath for Boston! And we all know that my fur baby will be a prominent feature of any shindig I’m hosting!

I also cried because she named the board “Someday your prince will come” and well, how on earth can you not cry about that?!

A note from Heather:

Okay, so, we've established that Holly cries when she enters the emotional range outside of a 3-7. I, however, don't operate on the same scale. I'm usually pretty chill and cool in the emotional range of 1.5-9.5. However, Heather at a 1 becomes Irate Heather. This can be triggered by just a few things , but, here's an example of the latest....

Holly's mention of snooping through my e-mails has indicated that I'm receiving communication from guys on Match.com, which I've confirmed. I've also confirmed that it's been mainly fruitless thus far. However, I can handle fruitless. I can handle duds. I can handle creepy and skeezy dudes. There isn't much that you can throw at me that I haven't seen or heard before. However, I was NOT prepared for this one. I've included the screen shots below for you to follow our somewhat-of-a-conversation.

Note: Here's where Heather becomes a 1 on her emotional scale and enters a stage of irateness.) (Note 2: Is irateness a word?) (Note 3: Nope... apparently irateness is not a word. Whatever. I'm leaving it because I can.)

I'm not going to go into much detail or processing on that because I think my response is self explanatory. However, I will say that I was really rattled by the whole ordeal. I don't really know why; perhaps because this is the first time in my life where someone has said "....you're going straight to HELL" to me. While I know I'm not going to hell, and my salvation has nothing to do with my dear friend, Lamont, it's still rattled me in the sense that I know rejection (even perceived) can bring out the worst in people and I need to tread carefully...

Also...do I get bonus frog hunting points for using hearts to cover up his face?

Hugs and frogs,

Holly & Heather