As we've started this journey, I've become more self-aware in the absurdity of the online dating process. But, so far, the things that have provided me with the most thought-provoking, soul-searching, and scrutinizing moments have not come from conversations with potential dates, but, alas, from the tediousness of creating my online dating profile. Maybe I read wayyyy too much into it (me? never...) or maybe I'm justified in my spastic tendencies. Either way, HOW DO PEOPLE NOT HAVE BREAKDOWNS ABOUT THIS STUFF?! Online dating sites should hire professionals to help you write your summaries. Anyone want to invest in this business venture with me? You can hire people to help you write your professional resume, so why not your personal/dating resume? Am I right, or am I right? I digress.
How in the flipping world am I supposed to summarize myself in a semi-concise paragraph? Even more, how do I make that semi-concise paragraph truthful AND intriguing? It's challenging to dissect yourself and decide what parts of you deserve making it into that summary. It has to attract the person you're looking for, be accurate, and weed out the time-wasters. Time-wasters. I think that's what I should call ex-boyfriends from here on out. I digress again...
Do I talk about my job and why I love it? No, that seems too "bleeding heart". Do I talk about the fact that I bought a house with my best friend and adopted a dog with her? Errrr.... let's skip that. What about that I'm not going to party with you or sleep with you? Errr......Maybe I should say something about doing extensive creeping (you would be amazed at what I can find out about people...) and that I would probably be able to list the names of your parents, siblings, and previous relationships before even meeting someone? Well, Heather, might want to leave that one out, too. How about mentioning that there's a chance anyone who messages me will end up in a public blog? Yeahh...you should probably skip that also. Should I say that I love working out and adhere to a paleo diet? Well, now that's just lying... Saying "I work M-F and then go home... And I eat.... and then get tired.... and go to sleep.... and I like things..like dogs...and Kevin Durant..." doesn't really read "HEY! Date ME!" or attract guys with substance.
So, after I clearly spent an embarrassing amount of time trying to create my online profile and deciding less is more, I purchased a 6 month subscription to match.com. Given the conversations from my first week, I can't decide if that was a mistake or a MAJOR mistake. Time will tell.
However, something I can already tell is that most of these guys are dumb and it doesn't actually matter what I write in my profile. I won't apologize for that sweeping generalization until I'm proven otherwise.
Here's Exhibit A:
In other news, I had round 1 of a root canal this week. Because of said root canal, I was prescribed Vicodin. You know what Vicodin-induced Heather does on match.com? She gets ballsy. She winks at attractive, Christian boys who seem to have substance. You know what happens next? Sober, non-Vicodin Heather gets back on match.com to see that a few wink-receiving boys had viewed her profile and only one had responded to her "wink". Thank God I had more Vicodin after that. Kidding. Kind of. Not really.
A note from Holly:
Well, my eyes are still watering from laughing through Heather's post. I think she basically summed it up. I can confirm through her e-mails, which I un-accidentally read again, that Heather has indeed found some "interesting" guys. I, myself, am continuing to "Hinge", but no conversations yet. I will continue to keep you updated on the success, or lack thereof, in my attempt to date via a mobile application.
Hugs and frogs,
Holly & Heather
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