A note from Heather:
How invested should a girl be in taking the initiative to meet potential dates? I've always struggled with this, but especially in the last few weeks. I'm not going to wrap this blog up with a nice bow about how I've got the answer to this internal debate. This is more of an open dialogue and encouragement to others who struggle with the same questions. I keep going back and forth about if this is even worth posting, because reading through it is even confusing to myself.
Some of you are rolling your eyes and have already replied in your head, "Seriously, Heather? Girl, it's 2015, Do whatever you want to do! Lay off the antiquated gender roles...What kind of social worker are you?!" Some of you, however, thought to yourselves "A lady should be pursued, not the pursuer. If a guy wants to get to know you, he can be a man and take the initiative." Honestly, I go back and forth between these two opinions. In any given day, I might adhere to either of those thought camps. I think there's a few reasons why this is such a convoluted mess in my mind.
1) I grew up in southern Oklahoma attending a southern Baptist church. I was taught from a very early age that men and women had different roles in families and thus, in dating too. My understanding was that girls were to be desirable (and patient) and guys were to be the pursuers. I can even remember in elementary school when one of my female peers "asked out" a boy; I was confused and didn't understand why she was putting herself out there like that. I remember thinking that "cool" girls and "desirable" girls would never have to ask a boy out. "Why would they?", I thought..."If they were worth it, a guy would always pursue them first." I think the philosophy themes from the Biblical implications of men being leaders of the families and churches, but the philosophy permeated every aspect of my life, even subconsciously. I can also distinctly remember a time in 7th grade telling myself to be quiet around my male peers as they came back from gym class with the 8th grade boys. This wasn't because I was embarrassed or lacked confidence, this was because my impression was that being demure and desirable was the way to "get asked out". Now that I think back on that; it's pretty messed up...This has created a stream of consciousness thinking that leads to the idea "If you aren't getting asked out, then you aren't desirable or worth it."
2) We've all had experiences where we've put ourselves out there and regretted it later. If you haven't had such experiences, then congratulations and I hate you. For the rest of us, it stings like a fresh sunburn to your soul. (For the record, I have no idea where that simile just came from...) If you're a guy and you've had this experience, then you're expected to chock it up as a loss, tell yourself you're better off without her, keep it moving, and try again. However, if you're a girl, and you've been burned by putting yourself out there, it becomes possible to let the idea slip into your mind of "Well, that's why I'm supposed to guard myself and not initiate dates..." Guys don't get a second glance for pursuing a girl, that's the "normal" way. Flip the script. Girls can easily be perceived as too aggressive, needy, and clingy by pursuing a date. It's a tough balance.
3) Simply put, many girls still have traditional values and want to be courted. We want to know that the guy we're interested in is a responsible man. We expect the guy to initiate contact and initiate the date, but there's a fine line for him, too. If he takes too much initiative, girls go on the defense and call him a creeper. If he doesn't take initiative, we write him off as being disinterested or lacking gumption. We're jaded and hard to please; I know. I've often wondered how many potential dates I've missed out on for these reasons.
4) Girls are told it's manly to take initiative and pursue a date. Obviously, the connotation associated with a girl being manly here is a negative one. In my career, initiative is a must. However, I'm expected to turn that initiative gumption off as soon as I log into match.com (which has been as fun as swimming with a cinder block tied to my waist lately..). Also, if the girl is being manly in the relationship, then that leaves the man to be *GASP* emasculated and in a more feminine role. Even writing this feels ridiculous, but, if we're all being honest here, these are the thoughts absolutely still apply to dating in our generation.
5) In dating, girls are supposed to play hard to get. If a girl initiates contact, her gig is up. How can she still play the cat and mouse game? I have to re-think my entire premise of dating if I'm letting go of this game. I don't know if it's from my upbringing, media, or past experiences, but somewhere in my mind I've believed that all dating relationships must have a cat. And they must have a mouse. Someone has to be the primary chaser, and someone has to be caught. It wasn't until recently that I began thinking, "Wait..Can we both be cats...What if we share the role of pursuit..?" I don't know what that looks like, but, it sounds lovely, right?
Of course, there are more reasons running around in my head. Anytime I see a guy from match.com that I might be interested in, I entertain both thought camps in my head.
"Heather, just send him a message...Get a flipping grip..."
"No, Heather, don't. If it's meant to be, he'll see your profile and send you a message."
"That's ridiculous. What if he never sees my profile and this is my one chance to meet this guy?"
"Stop, Heather. If you message him he's going to think you're too aggressive and needy."
What happens next varies. If old-school Heather wins the debate, I usually just log off match or set my phone down. If new-school Heather wins, I might like a photo, send a "wink" (soooo weird), or send a brief message. (Bold moves, I know....not..)
I can't tell you I'm ever 100% confident with either choice. I also can't tell you that either choice is really working out for me. I take pride in my independence, confidence, and my ability to speak up for myself and for others every day. However, I still struggle with the balance about how I want to create dating opportunities. As I write this, it seems as if I live a largely modern life, except when it comes to dating. Again, I don't know how to feel about this or resolve this. Maybe I'm okay with that, but maybe I'm doing this wrong.
-Heather
P.S., The "Well, we can have kids and change that" guy from a few posts ago has now sent me two more potentially drug/alcohol induced and typo-infused messages. I am WINNING at match.com, y'all.
A note from Holly:
Wow, so Heather basically nailed #thestruggleisreal. While I understand the sides that Heather outlines above, this usually becomes a bit easier for me. Perhaps it's because I've always been a fan of fairytales or perhaps it's because I'm so ridiculously happy being a dainty girl that I need someone ridiculously happy at being a confident man. Otherwise, I fear we won't have a fair balance...
I understand the girls who aspire to the "feminist" side of things but I don't think I've ever faced a situation where I personally felt obligated to define my stance. I've never been super athletic, so I never felt the need to claim my physical superiority over a man and, please no one be offended by this, but I never felt like I needed prove my intelligence either.
However, after reading Heather's original blog, my immediate reaction was to come to the concrete resolution that any man for me would be courageous enough to initiate contact because courage is something I would expect him to teach our son...no sooner had I thought that than immediate red flags popped up all over my formerly decisive conscious...why can't I teach my son courage? Why can't I teach my son and daughter courage? I am FULL of courage. I'll spare you a long list of evidence but in short, bravery is something I consider a core value. So finally, here it is. It's not a question of physical abilities or intelligence but it's the issue that even I expect him to bring certain things to the table that I shouldn't...and that stresses me out y'all.
If I wasn't over analyzing this aspect of things before, I certainly am now. Go back to my original post. I'm not sure I want any of this dating business. Prior to this blog, I would have told you that he should have contacted me. Now, let's just avoid the whole messy situation altogether.
Sorry for the gloom and doom.
Hugs and frogs,
Heather and Holly
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